健康 Jiànkāng

Sleepless Nights & Dementia Rages

It’s been a tough few nights for me, doing the night shift with mum. She doesn’t sleep much and last night was particularly brutal, she has kept me up for three nights in a row. From 2am in the morning she was shouting and screaming at me and made me cry. I ended up calling my husband back home in tears.

It’s moments like this that I think to myself why the fuck (excuse my language) did I fly thousands of miles to look after her and get verbal abuse?

I don’t actually do this so I can spend time with my mum. I do it to support my family, to give them much needed respite and rest from being her full time carers.

The life of a carer is hard, even if you have a good relationship with the person you are caring for.

Caring drains your energy, your sleep, you constantly worry and think you aren’t doing enough. You pour so much of yourself into caring for someone with dementia or a long term illness and it hits you hard. My best friends are in similar situations, we are broken, we are tired and we message each other and leave voice notes to hang in there, that it will not always be like this.

I know those of you who have a great relationship with your parents will find it shocking that I have no love for my mum. I have been scared of her since I was two when she began her lifetime of hate and cruelty towards me after my dad died.

My mum has had mental health issues for many decades. It has never been treated properly, she refused to admit anything was wrong even though all the signs were there.

My mum makes my anxiety skyrocket, and yet I have to fight through my own emotions and symptoms to make sure she is safe, clean, comfortable and knows we are with her so that she might possibly get some sleep, no matter how fleeting.

This is so hard.

Last night I felt like giving up, but I can’t. This is one of my biggest life challenges, I will get through this.

I have to, for our family’s sake.

Dementia and Living Grief – Part Two

Around this time four years ago, I wrote a blog about my mum’s journey with dementia, and how my family and I navigate the ups, downs and many challenges.

I travel to Hong Kong more regularly now, to provide much needed respite for my brother, his wife and our helper – they have all been amazing, even when mum can be very cranky and lashes out at us. I’m very grateful to be able to make these trips, to have this valuable time with my family and to be able to provide some support. I still carry the guilt that I cannot do this more, but I will hopefully have a solution for this soon.

Each visit, I notice changes in my mum. This trip she is particularly mean and agitated, refuses our help even though we want to make sure she is clean and comfortable, so it often ends in arguments… and sometimes my tears. I’ve never had a good relationship with my mum, her disdain for me is very obvious. One of my cousins reminded me recently that my mum never wanted me, I’ve always been aware of that, thanks Cuz, I didn’t need you to tell me. I block out many hurtful memories and experiences because I don’t want them to have control over me. In mum’s mind I am the bad luck child as my dad died when I was two. But I cannot let this knowledge take up space in my life. I have to suck it up, and try not to let it impact my own mental health too much, but some days her mean spirited comments get to me. I can’t help reverting back to the little child who was scared of her. I’m not scared of her now, I empathise that she has lost control of her mind and her body cannot function the way she wants it to. I feel sad for her, that she doesn’t understand we want what’s best for her. In her mind we are interfering, and she is very stubborn and doesn’t want help, even though she needs it.

In addition to my family, I am so grateful for the love and support of my best friends. They know I have a strained relationship with mum, and over the years they have always been there for me. To lift my spirits when mum has broken me. Without their support too, I don’t know how I would get through these times.

Every day I look for sparks of joy to carry me through life’s more challenging times. I find great solace in nature and animals. Particularly flowers, butterflies, cats and dogs of which there are many opportunities to come across them in Hong Kong. I take photos to bring me little reminders that life also has beautiful moments amongst the darker and harder days.

Mum’s mobility and strength continues to lessen, and she is a lot more reliant on us to help her stand up and wash. We have a family joke that my eldest sister who also comes to help is the ‘translator’. I’m known as ‘muscles’ because I can pick up mum on my own when she falls and I also carry our luggage up the stairs – not at the same time I hasten to add! This is one of the reasons why I lift weights, not only to maintain my own strength, mobility and longevity, but to be strong for my mum. She ain’t heavy, she’s my mother.

Gardening for Mental Wellness

I’ve been thinking about my gardening journey recently. How gardening brings me so much joy and is one of my much loved passions in life.

My gardening adventures started when I was 8 years old.

We had a wonderful neighbour who lived a couple of doors down. I had a very unhappy childhood, and thanks to the kindness of Mrs James and her husband who were both incredible gardeners with the most beautiful garden and two greenhouses packed with endless treasures to an eight year old me, they brought much needed joy and stability into my young life.

Mrs James instilled in me my love of reading, baking and gardening. She didn’t have any grandchildren, and her home was always open to me. I’m so grateful to her for showing kindness and compassion to me and I will always pay it forward in remembrance of her.

I would help Mr & Mrs James with weeding, and in return they introduced me to a wonderful world of flowers, fruit and vegetables! Whenever I smell lemon balm I immediately think of Mrs James, that was the first cutting she gave me and it kick started my love for gardening. Over the years, I would get sent home with precious cuttings, packets of seeds and instructions on how to take care of my plants. I even had a little section in my mum’s garden where I would grow primroses, geraniums, sweet peas and strawberries.

I only started gardening again a couple of years ago. I had the opportunity to take over my mum’s garden which was overgrown, full of weeds and was in need of a lot of time, love and care.

The first flowers I decided to grow were zinnias, cosmos, marigolds and dahlias (one of my fave flowers). I didn’t plan the garden except for one bed and some pots, I wanted it to be a mish mash and be a little chaotic, I didn’t expect to see so many flowers exploding everywhere!

A few pics from my first year of gardening

The neighbours were bemused as they would see me in the garden playing music to my flowers and also talking to them. What do I say? I give them lots of positive affirmations.

I have a soft spot for dahlias as they were the main flowers at my wedding. I hand picked them from a dahlia flower farm a couple of days before. My wedding bouquet was actually made of paper and was my homage to rave culture as I love bright colours.

Since getting back into gardening, I’ve also grown calla lilies, Japanese anemones, camellia, roses, alliums, crocuses, narcissus, peonies and tulips.

Unfortunately my foray into gardening again hasn’t all been successful. I’ve had complete disasters with ranunculus, hosta devon green, aquilegia, phlox and astilbe. This is down to a neighbour’s cat who is a beautiful, fluffy, majestic kitteh who I thought was a she, turns out she is a he and he is a vicious seedling and young plant killer. He has done his business all over my baby plants (may they rest in peace) and also dug them up as he covers up his poo.

I also had a fox coming into the garden who destroyed numerous tulip bulbs as they were digging looking for worms, and they also took large chomps out of my bulbs. Not to mention two holes that get repeatedly dug up which is a booby trap waiting to happen!

Oh, and how did I forget to mention my war with slugs and snails?! But, like all gardeners, we take the losses on the chin, as there is also a lot of joy from gardening. The pain is worth the beauty!

I am so grateful to have a space where I can potter about and find some peace in an often chaotic world. Gardening has brought me peace of mind and I hope to keep going for as long as I can.

AI and Humanity

I’ve been thinking a bit this week about AI and the impact it’s having on our current lives and how it will affect us in the future.

I’ve seen so many stories fearful of AI, how it will destroy creativity and cause job losses. Unfortunately that is true to a certain degree, and yet I want to flip this on its head. I choose to focus on what makes us so powerful and incredible as humans which AI cannot and will not replicate.

Our ability for authentic storytelling, incredible acts of love, kindness, bravery and strength.

We are all walking databases of magic.

We store thousands of moments and memories in our bodies. Some of us push the boundaries of what is physically and mentally capable of ourselves, and this is nothing but wonderment and awe to me.

So whatever your fears are of AI, I hope you are able to see it as a tool to enhance our lives. To give us more time to create the meaningful moments that matter, and what need to nurture ourselves and each other to thrive.

We create magic through many channels – words, art, photos, design, songs, architecture… the list is endless. Our ability to create meaningful moments is incredible.

Long may that continue.

Learning Moments

Heart shaped sea glass I found on the beach

I had a message today that hit me as soon as I left home in the dark at 6am to go to the gym. It was cold, very foggy and as I stared down my road which was half covered in fog, my brain suddenly said “This is a learning moment.”

Then I suddenly had lots of thoughts flooding in so I am trying to make sense of them.

We all have and need learning moments. Some lessons are more obvious, some keep repeating which I take as a sign that we didn’t learn the last time so have to go through it again. Some lessons don’t hit us until months or even years later when we may suddenly get an “Aha!” moment (not the Norwegian band. Morten Harket – teenage swooon).

One thing for sure in my experience, learning moments come through hard times, challenges, gnarly and painful experiences that can break us or make us. What happens when you hit rock bottom? There is only one way to go – slowly up, step by step. Sometimes we may fall backwards and then we climb up again. We have to keep going until we find ourselves – wiser, kinder, more compassionate and more resilient.

The path to enlightenment isn’t all butterflies and roses where you suddenly become engulfed in a cloud of glitter. It is tough, it requires vulnerability, courage and we must be humble enough to face some elements about ourselves that are not very nice and need addressing. We can always do better in some way, none of us are perfect, and this is what makes people so fascinating – we are all flawed. We create our own worlds and they are vastly different.

My message to myself today is this:

Never stop learning

Always be curious

Be kind with your behaviour and words

Live each day the best you can

Listen to A-Ha ‘Take on Me’ (on repeat a few times)

May your day be blessed with love and light.