Why am I here?

Every once in a while I get really tearful and lose my motivation to do anything. I could easily sit on the sofa in my PJs staring into space for hours on end.

I comfort eat my feelings in the hope that I will derive some kind of dopamine response but even that still leaves me feeling flat. It’s difficult not to allow yourself to feel down at the moment. As the number of deaths from Covid continue to grow higher, the number of people around the world who are experiencing grief and loss is overwhelming. It’s impossible not to feel sad when you see all the heartbreaking posts and tweets that are flooding social media. Last year I tried to reply to as many people as I could, just to let them know they were not alone in their loss and that I was sending love and my condolences. But I couldn’t keep up, and the number of people grieving was becoming overwhelming. As much as it has been heartbreaking, it is also heartwarming to see many others sending prayers and condolences to those who are grieving. But today I feel like I’m stuck in a dream world and I want to wake up.

I was triggered today by an incident that made me have flashbacks to this time last year which was really difficult for me. I was caught off guard and I am not ashamed to admit it made me start crying. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and self development over the last year to try and get over what happened but my response today was a sign that I still have more healing to do. That’s when I had that thought that pops up every now and again

What is my purpose in life? Why am I even here?

I know this feeling is temporary and I shouldn’t give it too much of my energy, but it’s hard. My dreams / nightmares at the moment are very much connected to what is going on in my life and the world right now. It’s getting to the point where I dread going to sleep because I’m worried about what I may dream of.

I was reading today the definition of an existential crisis from the site Very Well Mind;

“An existential crisis refers to feelings of unease about meaning, choice, and freedom in life. Whether referred to as an existential crisis, or existential anxiety, the main concerns are the same: that the idea is that life is inherently pointless, that our existence has no meaning because there are limits or boundaries on it, and that we all must die someday.”

I know my life isn’t pointless, so why do I feel this way? I don’t have any answers right now and I don’t know if I will. I challenge myself on a regular basis, there are always ways I can improve – be kinder, more patient, give more, do more. Am I being too hard on myself? I also know that by the end of the week my mood may have lifted and I will probably feel ok again. This is a reminder that our mental health fluctuates and that’s to be expected given how challenging things are right now.

All I can do at the moment is to take each day as it comes. Whatever that may entail.

Published by Ninja Kitteh

Hip Hop Lover. Original Junglist. Mental Health Advocate.

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