I’ve been learning a lot about myself whilst I’m in Hong Kong.
My capacity to love, to be compassionate, patient and understanding. On this trip I’ve been verbally and physically showing my family how much I care about them, even though in our family (and many South East and East Asian families) we don’t openly express or show our feelings to each other. The lack of affection growing up has made me seek it from others, unfortunately sometimes ending up in some horrific situations, however those days are over now. Tough lessons learnt and never to be repeated.
There are many similarities between my upbringing and that of my ABC (American Born Chinese) and BBC (British Born Chinese) friends. The majority of us have tough tiger mums, they are very strict, relentless, always pushing us to be perfect children and adults, to achieve top grades, earn a high salary and have the best of everything. A question that has always bothered me for many years is how are we supposed to behave and react when tough love from a parent actually presents itself as hate and anger? It’s caused so many problems and arguments over the years. It’s toxic and it’s horrible to have this type of relationship. I really struggle with it. I know I have to let the past go, things will never change now, the only thing that can change in this situation is how I choose to deal with my reactions and emotions. I owe it to myself to free this tight hold that has suffocated me for so many years, the fear that makes me get panic attacks at the thought of spending time with my mum.
I joked to my friends that I would treat this trip like a prison sentence as I knew I would need to be indoors the majority of the time. I told them I would exercise every other day and read lots so I would come home hench and educated! I’ve not been able to do the former and very little of the latter, and yet I feel as though I have grown.
This trip has made me feel a love for mum that I’ve never had before. This may sound strange and even shock those of you who have a great relationship with their mums, growing up I wished we were close but that was never meant to be. I’m also being wary, things can, do and have changed in an instant and I need to always maintain some level of detachment to protect myself and my own wellbeing, I always have to be on guard, to put my defence up. In martial arts we keep our hands up, to keep a tight guard and we learn to defend and evade an attack. I wish I could employ these tactics on an emotional level, but I can’t always do it. There will always be some stinging and hurtful comments that get through that will make me cry.
Mum once said to me “We will never get on or understand each other. I have Chinese thinking, you have Western thinking.” I understand my mum more than she realises, and that is why I am able to be here now. Over the years there have been numerous times I have turned my back on my family because I didn’t want to keep getting hurt and punished for things that were not my fault and yet my mum would blame me for them – she is very superstitious. I was the unlucky child, the troublemaker, the one who brought shame to my family.
I’ve been hurting so much all my life and I can’t carry on like this anymore. I’m tired. Now that I’ve said that it has made a big lump in my throat and my eyes are tearing up.
Time is so precious. It feels like it goes so slowly and as we age it seems to speed up. I have to let go of the pain and the anger, they serve me no purpose and it’s time to put away those mum associated emotions I’ve had for many years. It will take some time for me to unlearn some of my behaviours and feelings. I need to rewire myself to become version 2.0… who am I kidding? I’m on version 5.0 now I’m in my fifth decade. There will be many updates in future years!
So today I am grateful to have this opportunity to address and slowly mend our family trauma patterns. I owe it to myself and my family to continue working on this, to make sure we support each other, to ask for and accept help.
I hope I can do my mum and dad proud with how I turned out. 🙏🏼
健康 Jiànkāng 