Around this time four years ago, I wrote a blog about my mum’s journey with dementia, and how my family and I navigate the ups, downs and many challenges.
I travel to Hong Kong more regularly now, to provide much needed respite for my brother, his wife and our helper – they have all been amazing, even when mum can be very cranky and lashes out at us. I’m very grateful to be able to make these trips, to have this valuable time with my family and to be able to provide some support. I still carry the guilt that I cannot do this more, but I will hopefully have a solution for this soon.
Each visit, I notice little changes in my mum. This trip she is particularly mean and agitated, refuses our help even though we want to make sure she is clean and comfortable, so it often ends in arguments… and sometimes my tears. I’ve never had a good relationship with my mum, her disdain for me is very obvious. One of my cousins reminded me recently that my mum never wanted me, I’ve always been aware of that, thanks Cuz, I didn’t need you to tell me. I block out many hurtful memories and experiences because I don’t want them to have control over me. In mum’s mind I am the bad luck child as my dad died when I was two. But I cannot let this knowledge take up space in my life. I have to suck it up, and try not to let it impact my own mental health too much, but some days her mean spirited comments get to me. I can’t help reverting back to the little child who was scared of her. I’m not scared of her now, I empathise that she has lost control of her mind and her body cannot function the way she wants it to. I feel sad for her, that she doesn’t understand we want what’s best for her. In her mind we are interfering, and she is very stubborn and doesn’t want help, even though she needs it.
In addition to my family, I am so grateful for the love and support of my best friends. They know I have a strained relationship with mum, and over the years they have always been there for me. To lift my spirits when mum has broken me. Without their support too, I don’t know how I would get through these times.
Every day I look for sparks of joy to carry me through life’s more challenging times. I find great solace in nature and animals. Particularly flowers, butterflies, cats and dogs of which there are many opportunities to come across them in Hong Kong. I take photos to bring me little reminders that life also has beautiful moments amongst the darker and harder days.
Mum’s mobility and strength continues to lessen, and she is a lot more reliant on us to help her stand up and wash. We have a family joke that my eldest sister who also comes to help is the ‘translator’. I’m known as ‘muscles’ because I can pick up mum on my own when she falls and I also carry our luggage up the stairs – not at the same time I hasten to add! This is one of the reasons why I lift weights, not only to maintain my own strength, mobility and longevity, but to be strong for my mum. She ain’t heavy, she’s my mother.
健康 Jiànkāng 