Small Steps = Big Wins

I’m now on my last full day in Hong Kong before I fly back home and I am reflecting on my time here.

I had crazy anxiety and panic attacks leading up to this trip, and whilst some of my fears did come to fruition, my time here also meant I could confront those challenges and fears and deal with them. I am so grateful for the time I’ve had with my family, it’s opened my eyes and also enabled me to put some little things in place to help manage my mum’s anxiety and dementia. I’ve also been able to address and manage my own feelings about her. It’s also been a really important time with my brother and his wife – we have bonded, we have shared our concerns and talked about the future and what we need to do.

I don’t wish hard times on anyone, however it is those moments where we learn some of life’s biggest lessons. They are often horrible lessons to go through at the time, they will break our hearts, make us cry and push us over the edge. Then over time we look back at it and see how those times helped us to grow. It’s important to learn from the past and not get stuck there. We take those moments to be present, to be in the now.

I see where many of my personality traits and values have come from by spending this time with mum, the good and the bad! I will always respect my mum for her toughness, independence, resilience, smart business sense and her drive for security and to provide for her family which she did all on her own. My mum has had a tough life, made even tougher when my dad passed and she had to bring up five children on her own without any support from her family. My mum is a badass and I take my hat off and salute her.

Then there is the flip side. For the good traits and values that humans have, there is always the opposite which are the less desirable ones. I’m very aware of those and have done a lot of self development over the years, through therapy and my own work. I don’t want to continue the toxic behaviours that have been passed down through our family – they have caused so much hurt, destruction and severed relationships that have continued for many years.

I can’t fix everything in my family, that’s far too big a task and not something I can do alone. I’m super grateful that I have an amazing support network.

What I can do is let my family know I love them, to be present and to be a shoulder to lean on. I know that together we need to be honest, not be afraid to ask for help and to communicate regularly despite the physical distances between us. We can be vulnerable with each other and draw great strength from that by supporting each other. Despite the many challenges and our individual difficult relationships with mum over the years, we have forgiven where we can and will continue moving forwards to let go of our pain so we can heal collectively as a family.

I know there will be more tough times ahead, and we will be as prepared as we can for those moments.

I am so glad I made this trip. It’s been one of my most important life experiences and growth curves.

If you are in a similar situation to mine I hope my recent blogs bring you some comfort and acknowledgement that you are not alone. I pray that you have or find the strength, support and bravery to continue your paths. May our voices and our courage guide us and others. I send you much peace and love.

I was lost… and now I’m found.

I’ve been learning a lot about myself whilst I’m in Hong Kong.

My capacity to love, to be compassionate, patient and understanding. On this trip I’ve been verbally and physically showing my family how much I care about them, even though in our family (and many South East and East Asian families) we don’t openly express or show our feelings to each other. The lack of affection growing up has made me seek it from others, unfortunately sometimes ending up in some horrific situations, however those days are over now. Tough lessons learnt and never to be repeated.

There are many similarities between my upbringing and that of my ABC (American Born Chinese) and BBC (British Born Chinese) friends. The majority of us have tough tiger mums, they are very strict, relentless, always pushing us to be perfect children and adults, to achieve top grades, earn a high salary and have the best of everything. A question that has always bothered me for many years is how are we supposed to behave and react when tough love from a parent actually presents itself as hate and anger? It’s caused so many problems and arguments over the years. It’s toxic and it’s horrible to have this type of relationship. I really struggle with it. I know I have to let the past go, things will never change now, the only thing that can change in this situation is how I choose to deal with my reactions and emotions. I owe it to myself to free this tight hold that has suffocated me for so many years, the fear that makes me get panic attacks at the thought of spending time with my mum.

I joked to my friends that I would treat this trip like a prison sentence as I knew I would need to be indoors the majority of the time. I told them I would exercise every other day and read lots so I would come home hench and educated! I’ve not been able to do the former and very little of the latter, and yet I feel as though I have grown.

This trip has made me feel a love for mum that I’ve never had before. This may sound strange and even shock those of you who have a great relationship with their mums, growing up I wished we were close but that was never meant to be. I’m also being wary, things can, do and have changed in an instant and I need to always maintain some level of detachment to protect myself and my own wellbeing, I always have to be on guard, to put my defence up. In martial arts we keep our hands up, to keep a tight guard and we learn to defend and evade an attack. I wish I could employ these tactics on an emotional level, but I can’t always do it. There will always be some stinging and hurtful comments that get through that will make me cry.

Mum once said to me “We will never get on or understand each other. I have Chinese thinking, you have Western thinking.” I understand my mum more than she realises, and that is why I am able to be here now. Over the years there have been numerous times I have turned my back on my family because I didn’t want to keep getting hurt and punished for things that were not my fault and yet my mum would blame me for them – she is very superstitious. I was the unlucky child, the troublemaker, the one who brought shame to my family.

I’ve been hurting so much all my life and I can’t carry on like this anymore. I’m tired. Now that I’ve said that it has made a big lump in my throat and my eyes are tearing up.

Time is so precious. It feels like it goes so slowly and as we age it seems to speed up. I have to let go of the pain and the anger, they serve me no purpose and it’s time to put away those mum associated emotions I’ve had for many years. It will take some time for me to unlearn some of my behaviours and feelings. I need to rewire myself to become version 2.0… who am I kidding? I’m on version 5.0 now I’m in my fifth decade. There will be many updates in future years!

So today I am grateful to have this opportunity to address and slowly mend our family trauma patterns. I owe it to myself and my family to continue working on this, to make sure we support each other, to ask for and accept help.

I hope I can do my mum and dad proud with how I turned out. 🙏🏼

Food and Bonding

If there’s one thing that can bring people together (besides music!), one of life’s greatest pleasures is food.

My mum used to own a takeaway in her younger years. I always remember watching her do the food prep for the many dishes that were on the menu. We would accompany mum to the supermarket where she would stock up on items, if we were lucky we might get a bag of white rabbit sweets or haw flakes (flat discs of candy made from Chinese hawthorn) to share which would be our bounty. Mum used to make a huge pot of curry sauce which would take at least 12 hours of prep. I would watch her endlessly stirring with her big wooden stick which was stained with curry paste. The smell would permeate everything, the end result was always worth it. Even today some of my favourite comfort foods are chips with curry sauce or sweet and sour fish fingers. One of my favourite things I used to do which was one of my jobs in the shop was to bag up the freshly fried prawn crackers. My mum would put them into a big metal container and I was responsible for putting them in paper bags and twirl them at the corners so we could sell them in the shop. What happens when you allow a five year old to be in such close vicinity to freshly made prawn crackers? I would of course eat a whole bunch of them and get a massive telling off… but they were always worth it!

I’ve always been fascinated with food. The ingredients we buy, how we prepare them, the flavour and texture combinations of dishes, the colours and the presentation. I’m sure that stemmed from my childhood in a takeaway shop and seeing endless people coming in to buy their dinners.

Coming from a background of Chinese heritage, I have always leaned towards natural remedies to help with illnesses. I will only seek Western medication when absolutely necessary. I’m a big believer in using food to heal, I also love to eat colourful, natural food – colour therapy through food has been an important part of managing my wellbeing. I’m not a complete saint though when it comes to food, I also love sweets and I’m a sucker for crisps.

Today I’ve been looking after mum and making sure that she eats well which is not always easy when caring for those with dementia. Their eating habits will change, they will often lose their appetite, forget to chew and swallow too fast and end up choking, or even eat too much and be sick. We also need to make sure we leave out a midnight snack for mum when she wanders around in the early morning as she will be peckish and need something to eat. I know what I’m like when I’m hangry, I certainly don’t want mum to get like that.

We are very lucky where we live in Hong Kong as we have many restaurants and a few supermarkets nearby which has food that mum is used to. When mum was back in the UK the food there didn’t really agree with her, although she does love a Sunday roast and she is also partial to the occasional chicken nuggets & McD’s which we always find amusing.

When I cook, I like to cook with love for whoever I’m eating with. It’s one of my greatest joys in life, to cook for family and friends, sit down together to eat.

So today mum and I have been bonding over food. We’ve also been eating fresh lychees together whilst we watch TV. There has only been one angry outburst today and I managed to stay calm and not let my anxiety get the better of me so I could also calm mum down.

This is huge progress and I hope it continues.

Fear, Hurt and Healing

I’ve been dreading this trip for two months.

With each passing week as the date got closer to me flying to Hong Kong to see my mum, my anxiety increased to the point where I was having regular panic attacks each week. My heart would be racing, I couldn’t breathe, my stomach would cramp and I would break out into cold sweats.

The time has arrived. I am now here with my family so I can take care of my mum whilst my brother and his wife have some much needed respite and can get away for a little break. My visits to Hong Kong as an adult have not been very pleasant and so that’s why I haven’t been for nearly 25 years. I would get openly stared at and have people be rude to me because I didn’t fit in. That was also adding to my anxiety. I’m really glad that it hasn’t been as bad this time around.

If you are wondering why I would get panic attacks about the thought of seeing my mum, there is much to explain and I’m very aware I need to change this pattern and how I feel. Rewiring my brain and reactions to think and behave differently is challenging, there are so many triggers of being with mum that put me into anxious mode. I know that she also gets anxious about us too which is where the screaming, shouting and erratic behaviour comes from. I have the benefit of being able to change my patterns of behaviour, mum doesn’t have that ability and so this is something I need to remind myself regularly.

I don’t want to continue thinking and living in what was. I want to be present and improve what will be.

I was recently asked to name a happy memory I’ve had with my mum for an incredible campaign that I was involved with for a dementia charity. I couldn’t think of one and I ended up choosing a memory that involved my dad because even though he is not physically here, and hasn’t been for many years I experience his love and reassurance regularly.

It breaks my heart that my experiences with my mum have for the most part been unpleasant, painful, shameful and frightening. My mum in her younger years was so powerful, dominant and strong. I partly admired and yet also greatly feared her in those days. My mum was tough and resilient. In the early part of her dementia before we received an official diagnosis, we have seen those traits turn into dementia rages which would last for hours, sometimes days. They were exhausting and we would be constantly on edge and walking on eggshells around her. Scared that anything we said or did, or what we didn’t say or do would make her fly into a rage at us.

Now I’m here.

Spending some much needed time with my brother and his wife which I really value. I worry about them constantly being so far away now and looking after mum. I also carry tremendous amounts of guilt as I don’t have the ability to walk down the road like before when they lived in London. I have very little capacity to help look after mum since they moved to Hong Kong. For anyone who has taken care of loved ones with dementia, we all share similar experiences. It’s incredibly tough, and there will be moments where we will break down and cry out of frustration and fear of what may happen… yet we must go on. We cannot give up. We live for the small moments, the little sparks of joy where the love and acknowledgment is seen and we feel that energy. For us though, love was never seen or felt in a healthy way – only out of anger and disappointment. I am so sad for my mum she also had a very difficult and painful upbringing, and it has been passed down to us.

There are many things over the years that have happened in my family which we deliberately keep from mum and only tell her when absolutely necessary as we are all worried about triggering her rage. We also don’t want her to worry and get anxious about us, which she does constantly.

Today we had an incident where we had to tell her some of the things we have been withholding, we couldn’t keep them a secret any longer. We were all nervous about it and expecting the screaming to start and I could feel my own anxiety, and that of my brother and his wife’s increasing. We were all fearful of mum’s reaction.

There was no response. No flicker of acknowledgement in her eyes or face.

The dementia deterioration has taken many of my mum’s memories. She didn’t know who we were talking about, even though they are people who are very dear to us. We were talking about our own families, and those which we have married into. We watched mum so she could absorb what we had told her, still no response.

I know this week may have some difficult times ahead for me as I will be on my own with mum. I can’t let my fear and anxiety get the better of me. I will do my best to be patient, loving and kind to someone who has shown me so much cruelty over the years.

I forgive my mum regularly from afar for my own mental health and wellbeing. I also have to forgive her daily now I am here.

Nothing I ever say or do will ever be enough for mum. I can’t be the person she wanted me to be – a replica of her.

I can only be me. Sorry mum.

I wish you could see we only want what’s best for you. We have done so much over the years to heal our childhoods so we are in a position to take care of you now.

We deserve to heal. I hope together we can, no matter how hard the journey may be.

I am Enough

I lost my shit this week. A bit more than I had last week, and a bit more than the week before.

Sometimes we carry burdens for far too long by ourselves, thinking we can sort it out and everything will be fine. Then these issues and problems don’t get sorted, and like a dripping tap more get added until we just can’t deal with it all and then our cup overfills and we burst.

I cried. I’ve been crying almost every day for a few weeks now. My anxiety attacks have come back big time.

This is mental health awareness week in the UK. It’s been a strange feeling to stand up in front of my colleagues and let them know we are there for them. We have organised various activities over the next month to encourage them to take care of themselves and mange their mental health. I am struggling to manage my own at the moment. I’ve always been very good at smiling to pretend everything is fine, putting on my positivity pants (in my head they are sparkly and have puppies and kittens on them), and making people think I’m ok when I’m not. I can’t keep wearing this mask – it’s exhausting, and I’m so tired. So my mask has dropped and I’ve opened the flood gates.

It can be scary admitting we need help. I’m always worried about letting people down – particularly at work where so many people depend on and look to me to lead and to keep everyone and everything on track. My boss has been amazing and is helping me navigate the work pressures and stress. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I have to hang on for a little while longer.

This week I’ve had a few wake up calls.

Drip, drip, drip… the constant drops of other people’s words, expectations, behaviour and actions, worrying about my friends and family. Juggling things in my personal life. Trying hard to block out the overwhelming difficulties of what’s happening globally. So many are struggling and hurting. I also have ongoing doctors and hospital appointments to try and pinpoint what’s going on with my health. It all adds up.

I’ve also been worrying about an upcoming trip abroad to look after my mum who has dementia. I have a very difficult relationship with her and this trip has made my anxiety skyrocket with each week that passes. I have to keep telling myself to stop thinking the worst about something that hasn’t happened yet. I want to be prepared though, so my inner child doesn’t get hurt time and time again whenever we are in each other’s company. It’s so hard to not let her cruel words pierce my heart and disturb my soul. I must find a way to get through this because I’m the one that is aware of what is going on around me, my mum has lost this ability.

I must be strong, I must be kind and I must be patient. I also need to prioritise my wellbeing.

I’ve made an effort to eat better and to make time to exercise regularly which always makes a big impact to my mental health. It’s hard though, when you’re exhausted from the mental battle that you fight every day. Trying to muster up some energy to exercise – it does make a difference so I put on some music and push myself or I go for walk around the block. Making myself move is important so I don’t just sit on the sofa and stare blankly at the walls.

I’ve also started journaling again. Sometimes it’s the odd word that describes how I’m feeling, or it might be sentences that don’t really make much sense. I need to get the excessive thoughts and worries out of my head so they’re not swirling around and getting tangled up with each other. Trying to find peace amongst the busyness. I’ve been chatting to my husband and best friends letting them know I’m not in a good place, which isn’t easy to admit. The love and support they have shown me is incredible. I’m so thankful to to have my tribe, my soul family and the kind messages and support from people I interact with on various social media channels – I appreciate you all so much. This is one of the most compassionate things we can do for ourselves, it’s ok to say that you aren’t ok and that you need some support. So many of us are told we have to keep a stiff upper lip, we can’t lose face, or don’t talk about your problems as it means you’re weak. It’s the opposite – being vulnerable and asking for help takes incredible strength, it’s a huge act of kindness to ourselves that we deserve to allow. Bottling things up not only damages us mentally, it can also manifest into physical ailments if we don’t allow it to surface, talk about it and release it. Like bubbles rising to the surface – set them free.

I will get there.

If you are also going through a hard time at the moment I send you much love. I hope you have a strong support network to help you and please don’t be afraid to ask for help. I am so grateful for mine, although sometimes I keep things to myself because I don’t want to worry them. I need to work on that, it’s always been a work in progress.

I am always a work in progress.

During these challenging times we must always remember to have hope and know that this is temporary.

This too shall pass.