I had a message today that hit me as soon as I left home in the dark at 6am to go to the gym. It was cold, very foggy and as I stared down my road which was half covered in fog, my brain suddenly said “This is a learning moment.”
Then I suddenly had lots of thoughts flooding in so I am trying to make sense of them.
We all have and need learning moments. Some lessons are more obvious, some keep repeating which I take as a sign that we didn’t learn the last time so have to go through it again. Some lessons don’t hit us until months or even years later when we may suddenly get an “Aha!” moment (not the Norwegian band. Morten Harket – teenage swooon).
One thing for sure in my experience, learning moments come through hard times, challenges, gnarly and painful experiences that can break us or make us. What happens when you hit rock bottom? There is only one way to go – slowly up, step by step. Sometimes we may fall backwards and then we climb up again. We have to keep going until we find ourselves – wiser, kinder, more compassionate and more resilient.
The path to enlightenment isn’t all butterflies and roses where you suddenly become engulfed in a cloud of glitter. It is tough, it requires vulnerability, courage and we must be humble enough to face some elements about ourselves that are not very nice and need addressing. We can always do better in some way, none of us are perfect, and this is what makes people so fascinating – we are all flawed. We create our own worlds and they are vastly different.
My message to myself today is this:
Never stop learning
Always be curious
Be kind with your behaviour and words
Live each day the best you can
Listen to A-Ha ‘Take on Me’ (on repeat a few times)
I love being in the forest and soaking in the healing energy from trees
I arrived in Thailand on 19th November a burnt out mess. I was a broken shell of who I am due to a culmination of work stress, constantly working late and juggling multiple deadlines, ongoing health issues and worrying not just about the wellbeing of family, friends & colleagues, also worrying about the general state of the world. Everything was overwhelming and consuming me into a dark prison. I was finding it difficult to break out.
My mind was broken, my heart was hurting. I couldn’t even smile properly, everything felt wrong and I had lost my usual positivity and optimism that I carry, even when the chips are down. In order for me to get through a lot of this year I’ve disengaged with certain areas to try and protect my peace… and failed miserably.
Thailand is known as the land of smiles. It’s also where I’ve experienced one of the darkest periods of my life, I wanted to end my life here in 2012 and instead I encountered strangers who became dear friends who helped heal and rebuild me. It’s in our darkest moments we must try to always keep some hope alive, to have faith that things will turn around. The light will find a way to shine into our lives again and bring peace and joy into our hearts and soul. We must keep our eyes open for all the signs around us, for which there are many.
Over the years, I have encountered many people in Thailand thanks to my love of Muay Thai. The art of the eight limbs has brought so many beautiful souls into my life and I am honoured to call them my friends, my tribe, my family.
This trip has coincided with some of my friends from around the world also being in Thailand. It has been a special moment, to reconnect, catch up over brunch, dinners and Muay Thai. I was last here in 2019, before Covid changed the world and I am so grateful to be back and to know my friends who live here are ok – we all endured, survived and continue to overcome.
What have I been doing to heal myself you may ask?
I’ve been focusing on my nutrition and weight training, thanks to my coach who has provided me with an amazing programme over the last ten weeks. We are nearing the end of Phase 1, setting the foundations for the next future phases. I’ve also been stretching, doing bag work and was able to have a couple of private Muay Thai sessions with my Kru.
It’s been very easy to eat nutritious and delicious food out here. There is a big fitness community where we stay, so there are restaurants that cater to our nutritional needs. We’ve of course also been eating amazing Thai food!
I have also been meditating, journaling and having chill time at the beach. One of the most difficult parts of a self development journey is taking a good look at ourselves and being really honest about what we see and what needs to be fixed. I had a conversation over brunch with an incredible friend about the importance of peeling back the layers that make up who we are, looking at our core and not being afraid to rebuild. It’s often an ugly and difficult process, don’t be afraid to take on the work. I’m so grateful for my friends who allow me to be vulnerable, to share with no judgement and always showing me compassion and empathy, whilst also not being afraid to kick my butt from time to time!
Thank you Thailand for being such a beautiful host, not just to me, also to my husband and our friends as we were able to celebrate together after what has been a tough few years since Covid.
Despite the many trials, tribulations that life may throw at us, there are also beautiful moments that we must cherish and remember.
My biggest lesson will be to reinforce my boundaries when I’m home so that I don’t become burnt out again. I can only do so much at work, I have re-prioritised my commitments. I must always remember that my health and wellbeing comes first, not last.
Wherever you are in your own self development journey, I wish you peace and love in your soul. May you also be blessed with your tribe who will walk beside you as we navigate this thing called life.
I’m now on my last full day in Hong Kong before I fly back home and I am reflecting on my time here.
I had crazy anxiety and panic attacks leading up to this trip, and whilst some of my fears did come to fruition, my time here also meant I could confront those challenges and fears and deal with them. I am so grateful for the time I’ve had with my family, it’s opened my eyes and also enabled me to put some little things in place to help manage my mum’s anxiety and dementia. I’ve also been able to address and manage my own feelings about her. It’s also been a really important time with my brother and his wife – we have bonded, we have shared our concerns and talked about the future and what we need to do.
I don’t wish hard times on anyone, however it is those moments where we learn some of life’s biggest lessons. They are often horrible lessons to go through at the time, they will break our hearts, make us cry and push us over the edge. Then over time we look back at it and see how those times helped us to grow. It’s important to learn from the past and not get stuck there. We take those moments to be present, to be in the now.
I see where many of my personality traits and values have come from by spending this time with mum, the good and the bad! I will always respect my mum for her toughness, independence, resilience, smart business sense and her drive for security and to provide for her family which she did all on her own. My mum has had a tough life, made even tougher when my dad passed and she had to bring up five children on her own without any support from her family. My mum is a badass and I take my hat off and salute her.
Then there is the flip side. For the good traits and values that humans have, there is always the opposite which are the less desirable ones. I’m very aware of those and have done a lot of self development over the years, through therapy and my own work. I don’t want to continue the toxic behaviours that have been passed down through our family – they have caused so much hurt, destruction and severed relationships that have continued for many years.
I can’t fix everything in my family, that’s far too big a task and not something I can do alone. I’m super grateful that I have an amazing support network.
What I can do is let my family know I love them, to be present and to be a shoulder to lean on. I know that together we need to be honest, not be afraid to ask for help and to communicate regularly despite the physical distances between us. We can be vulnerable with each other and draw great strength from that by supporting each other. Despite the many challenges and our individual difficult relationships with mum over the years, we have forgiven where we can and will continue moving forwards to let go of our pain so we can heal collectively as a family.
I know there will be more tough times ahead, and we will be as prepared as we can for those moments.
I am so glad I made this trip. It’s been one of my most important life experiences and growth curves.
If you are in a similar situation to mine I hope my recent blogs bring you some comfort and acknowledgement that you are not alone. I pray that you have or find the strength, support and bravery to continue your paths. May our voices and our courage guide us and others. I send you much peace and love.
I’ve been learning a lot about myself whilst I’m in Hong Kong.
My capacity to love, to be compassionate, patient and understanding. On this trip I’ve been verbally and physically showing my family how much I care about them, even though in our family (and many East and South East Asian families) we don’t openly express or show our feelings to each other. The lack of affection growing up has made me seek it from others, unfortunately sometimes ending up in some horrific situations, however those days are over now. Tough lessons learnt and never to be repeated.
There are many similarities between my upbringing and that of my ABC (American Born Chinese) and BBC (British Born Chinese) friends. The majority of us have tough tiger mums, they are very strict, relentless, always pushing us to be perfect children and adults, to achieve top grades, earn a high salary and have the best of everything. A question that has always bothered me for many years is how are we supposed to behave and react when tough love from a parent actually presents itself as hate and anger? It’s caused so many problems and arguments over the years. It’s toxic and it’s horrible to have this type of relationship. I really struggle with it. I know I have to let the past go, things will never change now, the only thing that can change in this situation is how I choose to deal with my reactions and emotions. I owe it to myself to free this tight hold that has suffocated me for so many years, the fear that makes me get panic attacks at the thought of spending time with my mum.
I joked to my friends that I would treat this trip like a prison sentence as I knew I would need to be indoors the majority of the time. I told them I would exercise every other day and read lots so I would come home hench and educated! I’ve not been able to do the former and very little of the latter, and yet I feel as though I have grown.
This trip has made me feel compassion for mum that I’ve never really had before. This may sound strange and even shock those of you who have a great relationship with their mums, growing up I wished we were close but that was never meant to be. I’m also being wary, things can, do and have changed in an instant and I need to always maintain some level of detachment to protect myself and my own wellbeing, I always have to be on guard, to put my defence up. In martial arts we keep our hands up, to keep a tight guard and we learn to defend and evade an attack. I wish I could employ these tactics on an emotional level, but I can’t always do it. There will always be some stinging and hurtful comments that get through that will make me cry.
Mum once said to me “We will never get on or understand each other. I have Chinese thinking, you have Western thinking.” I understand my mum more than she realises, and that is why I am able to be here now. Over the years there have been numerous times I have turned my back on my family because I didn’t want to keep getting hurt and punished for things that were not my fault and yet my mum would blame me for them – she is very superstitious. I was the unlucky child, the troublemaker, the one who brought shame to my family.
I’ve been hurting so much all my life and I can’t carry on like this anymore. I’m tired. Now that I’ve said that it has made a big lump in my throat and my eyes are tearing up.
Time is so precious. It feels like it goes so slowly and as we age it seems to speed up. I have to let go of the pain and the anger, they serve me no purpose and it’s time to put away those mum associated emotions I’ve had for many years. It will take some time for me to unlearn some of my behaviours and feelings. I need to rewire myself to become version 2.0… who am I kidding? I’m on version 5.0 now I’m in my fifth decade. There will be many updates in future years!
So today I am grateful to have this opportunity to address and slowly mend our family trauma patterns. I owe it to myself and my family to continue working on this, to make sure we support each other, to ask for and accept help.
I hope I can do my mum and dad proud with how I turned out, even though I will never hear them say it.
If there’s one thing that can bring people together (besides music!), one of life’s greatest pleasures is food.
My mum used to own a takeaway in her younger years. I always remember watching her do the food prep for the many dishes that were on the menu. We would accompany mum to the supermarket where she would stock up on items, if we were lucky we might get a bag of white rabbit sweets or haw flakes (flat discs of candy made from Chinese hawthorn) to share which would be our bounty. Mum used to make a huge pot of curry sauce which would take at least 12 hours of prep. I would watch her endlessly stirring with her big wooden stick which was stained with curry paste. The smell would permeate everything, the end result was always worth it. Even today some of my favourite comfort foods are chips with curry sauce or sweet and sour fish fingers. One of my favourite things I used to do which was one of my jobs in the shop was to bag up the freshly fried prawn crackers. My mum would put them into a big metal container and I was responsible for putting them in paper bags and twirl them at the corners so we could sell them in the shop. What happens when you allow a five year old to be in such close vicinity to freshly made prawn crackers? I would of course eat a whole bunch of them and get a massive telling off… but they were always worth it!
I’ve always been fascinated with food. The ingredients we buy, how we prepare them, the flavour and texture combinations of dishes, the colours and the presentation. I’m sure that stemmed from my childhood in a takeaway shop and seeing endless people coming in to buy their dinners.
Coming from a background of Chinese heritage, I have always leaned towards natural remedies to help with illnesses. I will only seek Western medication when absolutely necessary. I’m a big believer in using food to heal, I also love to eat colourful, natural food – colour therapy through food has been an important part of managing my wellbeing. I’m not a complete saint though when it comes to food, I also love sweets and I’m a sucker for crisps.
Today I’ve been looking after mum and making sure that she eats well which is not always easy when caring for those with dementia. Their eating habits will change, they will often lose their appetite, forget to chew and swallow too fast and end up choking, or even eat too much and be sick. We also need to make sure we leave out a midnight snack for mum when she wanders around in the early morning as she will be peckish and need something to eat. I know what I’m like when I’m hangry, I certainly don’t want mum to get like that.
We are very lucky where we live in Hong Kong as we have many restaurants and a few supermarkets nearby which has food that mum is used to. When mum was back in the UK the food there didn’t really agree with her, although she does love a Sunday roast and she is also partial to the occasional chicken nuggets & McD’s which we always find amusing.
When I cook, I like to cook with love for whoever I’m eating with. It’s one of my greatest joys in life, to cook for family and friends, sit down together to eat.
So today mum and I have been bonding over food. We’ve also been eating fresh lychees together whilst we watch TV. There has only been one angry outburst today and I managed to stay calm and not let my anxiety get the better of me so I could also calm mum down.
健康 Jiànkāng 