The Power of Love

One of my favourite songs is Frankie Goes to Hollywood ‘The Power of Love’. I experienced how powerful love really is on my wedding day very recently.

I spent the early morning in tears because I was missing my dad. I didn’t even get to know him as he passed away when I was 2, it’s a strange feeling to miss someone you don’t know, but you feel their presence in your life. One of the traditions as we all know is the father of the bride walks his daughter down the aisle. As I was meditating and talking to my dad I felt such a huge feeling of love, not just from my dad, it also came from other family members and dear friends who are no longer with me. It was incredible, and very emotional.

I am sharing part of my wedding speech that I wrote on behalf of my dad. I am sharing this in the hope that anyone else who is grieving, or suffering from a broken heart will find comfort from my words.

“Love is one of the most powerful forces in the world. It can break hearts… most importantly, it can also heal them and gives us great strength and courage. Love can even be felt and seen beyond the physical realm. We have all lost those we care about, over the years they send us little signs to let us know they’re still with us – whether it’s in the form of white feathers, dragonflies, pennies, or my particular signs – butterflies and robins. Keep your eyes open as love is all around us. Don’t ever be afraid to open up your heart, even if it’s been broken multiple times. Give love a chance and show it whenever and wherever you can. Be kind to one another and we can heal the world.”

In the week leading up to my wedding, I’ve had a beautiful black butterfly outside my window each day. I work from home and when I look up it was fluttering outside my window and would rest on the wall where I could see it.

On my wedding day, just before I made my entrance to the ceremony, my friends told me a big beautiful black butterfly had flown into the barn and was flying around. I was too nervous to notice, everyone was looking at me and all I could do was look ahead as I was worried I would trip up as I was wearing heels and a dress instead of my usual Air Jordan 1s and combat trousers!

The barn where we got married

As the ceremony finished, and we had just finished signing our wedding certificate I looked up at everyone. The butterfly came towards us, making a path towards me and it flew past me back outside. My Baba, grandma and family were with us that day. I felt their spirits and energy so strongly.

We also had a rainbow later on that afternoon.

A few days later on our mini moon we have been visited by a little robin in the mornings. The robin sits in a bush and looks at us as we finish our breakfast.

Whatever you are going through I pray that the days ahead of you are kind, that you find peace, and you have the support of friends and family to help guide you. If this isn’t possible, please know that you are not alone. Don’t be afraid to speak up and ask for help. There are people who you don’t know who will offer support in times of darkness.

Love is here and love will heal us all.

A Father’s Love

I’ve never been a fan of Fathers Day. This is because my dad passed away when I was 2 and I have no memories of him which torments me even to this day. I feel like a part of me will always be missing and I will always be soul searching to find some connection to him.

I would love to know who he was, what he liked, what was he passionate about, what was his personality like, what were his favourite foods, songs, did he have any hobbies? These all remain a blank to me, my mum refuses to talk about him. The things people don’t say about someone can speak far more loudly than the things they will say. What happened during their time together to make someone so bitter and angry?

Over the years I’ve heard little snippets, but I would struggle to even write a top ten list of things I know about my dad. For those who have lost their dads and were blessed to have a number of years, experiences and memories of them, I often wonder if that is even more harder to live with.

How can you miss someone you have no memory of?

I miss my dad every day. If you have ever wondered if it’s possible to love someone you don’t even know, ask anyone who has lost a parent when they were very young. Yes it is.

There have been a few times over the years when my life has been in a danger and I have felt a huge protective force intervene and save my life. I know without a doubt it’s my dad, don’t ask me how, I just know. I sense his spirit which I find comforting, but it also leaves me yearning to be able to physically hug him and talk to him. I have so many questions I want to ask. What would my life have been and be like if he was alive? This is something I think about often. It also feels a bit strange to be grieving for someone you don’t remember, there are so many layers to grief when you lose a parent at a very young age.

So this year, like every year, I think about my dad and I say a prayer and send love to all the people who are also missing theirs. May you find some peace today, I hope you also feel the love of your dad even though they are not physically here with us.

Namaste. 🙏🏽💗🙏🏽

Growing into our power

It was my birthday this week.

I am blessed and grateful to see another day, another year, especially during a time of worldwide collective grief as the pandemic continues.

Despite the difficulties of the last eighteen months where I have been actively healing myself and learning from some very difficult lessons, I have finally been feeling more at peace recently, the fog that had consumed me for many months has lifted. I am aware that it may return again, and I will be as prepared as I can, life is always like the ebb and flow of water. Maybe this is why when I’m near the sea I love to wake up early and head down to the beach, I will sit on the rocks and look out. I think about loved ones I have lost, I give thanks for everyone in my life and I will say a prayer for those who are hurting. The sound of gentles waves provides a healing soundtrack for me, although I am also very aware of how powerful and destructive the sea can also be.

As I express gratitude for another year of life, it reminds me of the time I nearly drowned on a holiday in Costa Rica back in 2010, I got pulled out by a rip tide and couldn’t make my way back up to the surface. I struggled, kept getting pulled under, then after a few minutes a calmness overcame me, everything was black and I was sinking, I knew I wasn’t going to make it and I suddenly became frightened and said a prayer in my head for help, that I didn’t want to go so soon. Within an instant, there was a blinding white light all around me and a huge surge of energy under my feet that propelled me like a rocket back up to the surface. My best friend’s dad and uncle had swum out to look for me and they had a boogie board with them, they put me on the board and swam back. We got hit by big waves, rolled over numerous times, it was truly frightening. I will always be grateful to them for saving my life, whilst risking theirs, I think about this now and again, I will be eternally grateful to them. I also know I was saved by divine intervention when I was drowning and asked for help, I felt the love and protection of my dad who passed away when I was 2, this has happened a few times when I have been in extreme danger. I can’t explain it, these experiences have always made me aware there is so much more beyond the physical world. We should open our minds and hearts to so much more than what we can only see and touch.

Nearing the end of my fourth decade has made me realise how empowering and important self acceptance is. I wonder if we can actively choose to accept who we are in earlier years, to avoid many years of angst, doubt, putting up with bad relationships and friendships, allowing people to continually hurt us, take advantage of our kindness etc. Why does it take so long for us to feel comfortable about clearly articulating our boundaries, choosing not to let people who disturb our peace to stay in our lives. Is this something we can start cultivating from much earlier, or do we need to go through the many tough lessons over the years, until we learn them? I have a belief that if we keep finding ourselves in similar situations that are harmful to our wellbeing it’s because we didn’t learn the last time, so we have to repeat it. It takes a lot of strength and courage to admit we need to reset ourselves, to change our lives for the better, break old destructive patterns, rewire our neural pathways, cut out people who are not good for us, leave toxic jobs – we can live the life we choose, or do we live the life we have been given?

Knowing that we can create our own destiny is empowering. What kind of person do we want to be? What kind of relationships do we want to have? What do we want from life? What steps do we need to take to make our wants and wishes become reality? We can define this, and plot out the steps it takes to get there. Don’t be sad if you lose people along the way who don’t have your best interests at heart, they are not your tribe. Don’t be afraid to cut loose, don’t let people take up your energy who don’t deserve to be gifted it. Don’t be a people pleaser when the only way they will be pleased is at the detriment of your wellbeing, life path, dreams & goals.

Thank you for another day. For allowing me to continue my journey – I am ready to continue walking with, learning from and loving those who cross my path.

Mother’s Day

Today is a weird one for me.

I have always struggled to say ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ because I don’t have a good relationship with my mum. It was awful when I was younger, when I was kicked out at 17 I didn’t speak to my family for five years.

I have tried many times to have a good relationship with my mum. But there have been too many arguments and fights over the years, often ending with me running out of her house in tears and vowing never to speak to her again… until the next time, another argument, being told I am useless, why would anyone want me, people just use me. I can’t keep doing this.

I last spoke to my mum at Christmas. I had cooked for my family, we were trying to have a nice time and keep the peace. But it was an awkward atmosphere, it usually is. Then mum flipped out whilst opening her presents and the screaming and shouting started. I left the house in tears.

My mum rang me on Boxing Day. She said some absolutely vile things, insulted me as usual. I won’t share what she said because it still hurts, her words are venomous.

My mum was diagnosed with suspected dementia last year in addition to her long term mental health issues. We try our best to help her and support her, the days where she is calm, we are grateful, but we all tread on eggshells because we know she can also explode and fly into a rage. I used to visit three times a week, but that wasn’t enough for her. Now, my mum has refused to speak to me since Boxing Day and I am not allowed in her house. It’s confused me, she has gone from calling me ten times a day and wanting me to go over every day… to nothing.

I don’t know what I have done wrong, actually, I do know what I have done wrong. I refuse to let her bully me, to try and control my life, she is angry that I am engaged. I am the last of my siblings to get married, and she is furious about it. In her eyes, that means all of her children have been stolen from her.

So today, I shall wish my mum Happy Mother’s Day from afar. I send love to all those in a similar situation.

I’m sorry I cannot be the daughter you want me to be. The life you try to force upon me is a replica of your life which I don’t want. When you are ready to speak to me, I shall put my hurt aside so we can try and have some sort of relationship again, even though it causes so much pain.

Doing The Best I Can

There have been a lot of tears lately. For myself and others. Sometimes they fall without me even knowing why, or they fall because I have heard bad news about people I love. I sometimes cry when I am reading and hearing about grief and loss that so many people are going through.

Over the last six months of the lockdown I have been developing traits of agoraphobia. I used to love going out before the pandemic. Now the thought of even going to the supermarket once a week makes me anxious and nervous. I have never been keen on people standing too close to me (the tube at rush hour is horrendous), and now even when someone is a couple of metres away, I can feel my stomach knotting up and my chest starts tightening. I also start to get irritated. My mind is telling my body that I could be in danger and I have to move away. I end up walking in zig zags around people because I would prefer to be at least 3 – 4 metres away from them. I know this behaviour is not sustainable and I need to address it and try not to let it continue.

For now, the only place I do feel safe is at home. I don’t even like to see my neighbours when we need to go out and have to use the communal door to the block of flats I live in. I don’t like to touch door handles with my bare hands, although that has always been a big issue of mine even before the pandemic.

This is just a small part of the various things that are going through my mind and it’s manifesting into physical symptoms. It’s no coincidence that I am having to take my anxiety medication again to minimise the anxiety attacks I am having.

To counteract the feelings of hopelessness and worry that I regularly have, I try to balance it where I can. I know I have much to be grateful for and I remind myself of this every day. I try to find little sparks of joy in my life to keep me as balanced as I can. Music is a great help in lifting my mood. I have started exercising again. I am also going to have a check in with my therapist. I know I am lucky to have these choices.

As with all things, I have to remind myself this too shall pass. Until then, we are all doing the best we can to navigate these strange times we are living in.