I am Enough

I lost my shit this week. A bit more than I had last week, and a bit more than the week before.

Sometimes we carry burdens for far too long by ourselves, thinking we can sort it out and everything will be fine. Then these issues and problems don’t get sorted, and like a dripping tap more get added until we just can’t deal with it all and then our cup overfills and we burst.

I cried. I’ve been crying almost every day for a few weeks now. My anxiety attacks have come back big time.

This is mental health awareness week in the UK. It’s been a strange feeling to stand up in front of my colleagues and let them know we are there for them. We have organised various activities over the next month to encourage them to take care of themselves and mange their mental health. I am struggling to manage my own at the moment. I’ve always been very good at smiling to pretend everything is fine, putting on my positivity pants (in my head they are sparkly and have puppies and kittens on them), and making people think I’m ok when I’m not. I can’t keep wearing this mask – it’s exhausting, and I’m so tired. So my mask has dropped and I’ve opened the flood gates.

It can be scary admitting we need help. I’m always worried about letting people down – particularly at work where so many people depend on and look to me to lead and to keep everyone and everything on track. My boss has been amazing and is helping me navigate the work pressures and stress. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I have to hang on for a little while longer.

This week I’ve had a few wake up calls.

Drip, drip, drip… the constant drops of other people’s words, expectations, behaviour and actions, worrying about my friends and family. Juggling things in my personal life. Trying hard to block out the overwhelming difficulties of what’s happening globally. So many are struggling and hurting. I also have ongoing doctors and hospital appointments to try and pinpoint what’s going on with my health. It all adds up.

I’ve also been worrying about an upcoming trip abroad to look after my mum who has dementia. I have a very difficult relationship with her and this trip has made my anxiety skyrocket with each week that passes. I have to keep telling myself to stop thinking the worst about something that hasn’t happened yet. I want to be prepared though, so my inner child doesn’t get hurt time and time again whenever we are in each other’s company. It’s so hard to not let her cruel words pierce my heart and disturb my soul. I must find a way to get through this because I’m the one that is aware of what is going on around me, my mum has lost this ability.

I must be strong, I must be kind and I must be patient. I also need to prioritise my wellbeing.

I’ve made an effort to eat better and to make time to exercise regularly which always makes a big impact to my mental health. It’s hard though, when you’re exhausted from the mental battle that you fight every day. Trying to muster up some energy to exercise – it does make a difference so I put on some music and push myself or I go for walk around the block. Making myself move is important so I don’t just sit on the sofa and stare blankly at the walls.

I’ve also started journaling again. Sometimes it’s the odd word that describes how I’m feeling, or it might be sentences that don’t really make much sense. I need to get the excessive thoughts and worries out of my head so they’re not swirling around and getting tangled up with each other. Trying to find peace amongst the busyness. I’ve been chatting to my husband and best friends letting them know I’m not in a good place, which isn’t easy to admit. The love and support they have shown me is incredible. I’m so thankful to to have my tribe, my soul family and the kind messages and support from people I interact with in various social media channels – I appreciate you all so much. This is one of the most compassionate things we can do for ourselves, it’s ok to say that you aren’t ok and that you need some support. So many of us are told we have to keep a stiff upper lip, we can’t lose face, or don’t talk about your problems as it means you’re weak. It’s the opposite – being vulnerable and asking for help takes incredible strength, it’s a huge act of kindness to ourselves that we deserve to allow. Bottling things up not only damages us mentally, it can also manifest into physical ailments if we don’t allow it to surface, talk about it and release it. Like bubbles rising to the surface – set them free.

I will get there.

If you are also going through a hard time at the moment I send you much love. I hope you have a strong support network to help you and please don’t be afraid to ask for help. I am so grateful for mine, although sometimes I keep things to myself because I don’t want to worry them. I need to work on that, it’s always been a work in progress. I am always a work in progress.

During these challenging times we must always remember to have hope and know that this is temporary.

This too shall pass.