健康 Jiànkāng

Growing into our power

It was my birthday this week.

I am blessed and grateful to see another day, another year, especially during a time of worldwide collective grief as the pandemic continues.

Despite the difficulties of the last eighteen months where I have been actively healing myself and learning from some very difficult lessons, I have finally been feeling more at peace recently, the fog that had consumed me for many months has lifted. I am aware that it may return again, and I will be as prepared as I can, life is always like the ebb and flow of water. Maybe this is why when I’m near the sea I love to wake up early and head down to the beach, I will sit on the rocks and look out. I think about loved ones I have lost, I give thanks for everyone in my life and I will say a prayer for those who are hurting. The sound of gentles waves provides a healing soundtrack for me, although I am also very aware of how powerful and destructive the sea can also be.

As I express gratitude for another year of life, it reminds me of the time I nearly drowned on a holiday in Costa Rica back in 2010, I got pulled out by a rip tide and couldn’t make my way back up to the surface. I struggled, kept getting pulled under, then after a few minutes a calmness overcame me, everything was black and I was sinking, I knew I wasn’t going to make it and I suddenly became frightened and said a prayer in my head for help, that I didn’t want to go so soon. Within an instant, there was a blinding white light all around me and a huge surge of energy under my feet that propelled me like a rocket back up to the surface. My best friend’s dad and uncle had swum out to look for me and they had a boogie board with them, they put me on the board and swam back. We got hit by big waves, rolled over numerous times, it was truly frightening. I will always be grateful to them for saving my life, whilst risking theirs, I think about this now and again, I will be eternally grateful to them. I also know I was saved by divine intervention when I was drowning and asked for help, I felt the love and protection of my dad who passed away when I was 2, this has happened a few times when I have been in extreme danger. I can’t explain it, these experiences have always made me aware there is so much more beyond the physical world. We should open our minds and hearts to so much more than what we can only see and touch.

Nearing the end of my fourth decade has made me realise how empowering and important self acceptance is. I wonder if we can actively choose to accept who we are in earlier years, to avoid many years of angst, doubt, putting up with bad relationships and friendships, allowing people to continually hurt us, take advantage of our kindness etc. Why does it take so long for us to feel comfortable about clearly articulating our boundaries, choosing not to let people who disturb our peace to stay in our lives. Is this something we can start cultivating from much earlier, or do we need to go through the many tough lessons over the years, until we learn them? I have a belief that if we keep finding ourselves in similar situations that are harmful to our wellbeing it’s because we didn’t learn the last time, so we have to repeat it. It takes a lot of strength and courage to admit we need to reset ourselves, to change our lives for the better, break old destructive patterns, rewire our neural pathways, cut out people who are not good for us, leave toxic jobs – we can live the life we choose, or do we live the life we have been given?

Knowing that we can create our own destiny is empowering. What kind of person do we want to be? What kind of relationships do we want to have? What do we want from life? What steps do we need to take to make our wants and wishes become reality? We can define this, and plot out the steps it takes to get there. Don’t be sad if you lose people along the way who don’t have your best interests at heart, they are not your tribe. Don’t be afraid to cut loose, don’t let people take up your energy who don’t deserve to be gifted it. Don’t be a people pleaser when the only way they will be pleased is at the detriment of your wellbeing, life path, dreams & goals.

Thank you for another day. For allowing me to continue my journey – I am ready to continue walking with, learning from and loving those who cross my path.

Mother’s Day

Today is a weird one for me.

I have always struggled to say ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ because I don’t have a good relationship with my mum. It was awful when I was younger, when I was kicked out at 17 I didn’t speak to my family for five years.

I have tried many times to have a good relationship with my mum. But there have been too many arguments and fights over the years, often ending with me running out of her house in tears and vowing never to speak to her again… until the next time, another argument, being told I am useless, why would anyone want me, people just use me. I can’t keep doing this.

I last spoke to my mum at Christmas. I had cooked for my family, we were trying to have a nice time and keep the peace. But it was an awkward atmosphere, it usually is. Then mum flipped out whilst opening her presents and the screaming and shouting started. I left the house in tears.

My mum rang me on Boxing Day. She said some absolutely vile things, insulted me as usual. I won’t share what she said because it still hurts, her words are venomous.

My mum was diagnosed with suspected dementia last year in addition to her long term mental health issues. We try our best to help her and support her, the days where she is calm, we are grateful, but we all tread on eggshells because we know she can also explode and fly into a rage. I used to visit three times a week, but that wasn’t enough for her. Now, my mum has refused to speak to me since Boxing Day and I am not allowed in her house. It’s confused me, she has gone from calling me ten times a day and wanting me to go over every day… to nothing.

I don’t know what I have done wrong, actually, I do know what I have done wrong. I refuse to let her bully me, to try and control my life, she is angry that I am engaged. I am the last of my siblings to get married, and she is furious about it. In her eyes, that means all of her children have been stolen from her.

So today, I shall wish my mum Happy Mother’s Day from afar. I send love to all those in a similar situation.

I’m sorry I cannot be the daughter you want me to be. The life you try to force upon me is a replica of your life which I don’t want. When you are ready to speak to me, I shall put my hurt aside so we can try and have some sort of relationship again, even though it causes so much pain.

Doing The Best I Can

There have been a lot of tears lately. For myself and others. Sometimes they fall without me even knowing why, or they fall because I have heard bad news about people I love. I sometimes cry when I am reading and hearing about grief and loss that so many people are going through.

Over the last six months of the lockdown I have been developing traits of agoraphobia. I used to love going out before the pandemic. Now the thought of even going to the supermarket once a week makes me anxious and nervous. I have never been keen on people standing too close to me (the tube at rush hour is horrendous), and now even when someone is a couple of metres away, I can feel my stomach knotting up and my chest starts tightening. I also start to get irritated. My mind is telling my body that I could be in danger and I have to move away. I end up walking in zig zags around people because I would prefer to be at least 3 – 4 metres away from them. I know this behaviour is not sustainable and I need to address it and try not to let it continue.

For now, the only place I do feel safe is at home. I don’t even like to see my neighbours when we need to go out and have to use the communal door to the block of flats I live in. I don’t like to touch door handles with my bare hands, although that has always been a big issue of mine even before the pandemic.

This is just a small part of the various things that are going through my mind and it’s manifesting into physical symptoms. It’s no coincidence that I am having to take my anxiety medication again to minimise the anxiety attacks I am having.

To counteract the feelings of hopelessness and worry that I regularly have, I try to balance it where I can. I know I have much to be grateful for and I remind myself of this every day. I try to find little sparks of joy in my life to keep me as balanced as I can. Music is a great help in lifting my mood. I have started exercising again. I am also going to have a check in with my therapist. I know I am lucky to have these choices.

As with all things, I have to remind myself this too shall pass. Until then, we are all doing the best we can to navigate these strange times we are living in.

Inner Child Healing

A moment of happiness. I remember this day clearly.

I have been in a reflective mood recently. I had hit a brick wall and I was in a funk, recent events have jolted me out of this and I realise how much more healing work I have ahead of me. I’m now ready to continue my journey.

We all have an inner child. For some, it may remind you of carefree days, fun, laughter and lots of happy memories. For others, our childhood was full of trauma, tears, arguments and many unhappy memories. What happens to all of that as we become adults?

I am one of the lucky ones. I have been able to afford private therapy sessions over the years to help me deal with my childhood, and also cope with some adult life events that have knocked me for six.

I am also very grateful for my support circle. My family, not by blood, but of that by choice and shared experiences. This didn’t really happen until my 30s when I became less anxious and fearful of the past, learnt the hard way that friends can also be enemies in disguise, people will smile in your face and stab you in the back. I had to close numerous doors so that I could move forward, and this is something I struggled with for a long time as I was still loyal to those who didn’t give me the same courtesy. It was a very tough lesson and a rude awakening. I had to learn to trust again.

There are two facets to my inner child. I want to maintain a sense of joy and wonder at the world around me. I didn’t experience much of this when I was young and so as an adult this has turned into my love of travelling, experiencing different cultures and trying new things. The pandemic has put a stop to the travels for the time being, but I look forward to it resuming one day.

Then there is the other side, the broken and hurt child. The one that will still retreat, hide and want to run away when life becomes too much. This has been me for the last year or so. It is that child that I need to nurture and show my care, love and attention, I want to heal myself. I need to let some things go and say goodbye to the past.

Today I feel a glimmer of hope.

I am hopeful not just for myself but for others too. Everyone is struggling in some way, my faith in humanity is being restored by seeing words of support and actions being offered to those in need. Thank you to everyone who has sent me kind messages recently. You have helped keep me afloat. This is one of the things that gives me hope. When life gets us down, we shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help, we are all vulnerable.

We will ride through this storm together. Hold on tight!

I Miss You

It’s only been a few days and there is a Missy shaped hole in my heart. It has been a blessing to have such a small kitteh become one of my biggest loves and take up so much of my life, heart and soul.

I miss not seeing you waiting outside the bedroom for me in the mornings. It feels strange not having you insisting on accompanying me into the bathroom each day. It was weird at first but over the years it became a standard part of our routine. Cats often accompany their slaves to the loo don’t they?!

You always wanted a fuss and head bumps when we brushed our teeth. As soon as you heard the electric toothbrush you would be by our feet.

I miss your miaows wanting to be fed. Or wanting to sit on my lap as I work so I can fuss over you.

I miss seeing you curled up on your armchair fast asleep or asleep on our bed.

I miss our early mornings together on the sofa.

I miss you rushing into the kitchen every time I was getting a can of tuna out of the cupboard. You always knew and appeared out of nowhere like magic. Apart from that one time you came running in and it was a tin of sweetcorn, you gave me such a huge stink eye that I ended up giving you some tuna anyway.

I miss cuddling you, sometimes you even let me hold you for 30 secs before you tried to scratch my face off – a record!

I miss you stomping on me, getting all up in my face and staring at me with your big eyes because you wanted to be fussed over. Of course I was always happy to oblige.

I miss you interrupting our video calls. Blocking one of our faces with your bum. Showing our callers your bum.

I miss you running to the door when we came home, to greet us and see if you can get a snack in the process. You always insisted on sniffing our hands first before we could stroke you.

I miss you sitting and sleeping on my lap, giving me dead legs. I wouldn’t move even when I was bursting for a pee because I didn’t want to disturb you.

I miss you sitting like a loaf in front of the door of my home office. I was never sure if you were blocking me in or trying to trip me up. Maybe both?

I miss these things and so much more about you every day.

Until we meet again Missy. I will be looking out for you so I can finally hug you again and tell you how much I love you. You will always be my feisty little Ninja Kitteh.

Rest in peace my beautiful girl. 💓🐾💓

30/08/2002 – 13/02/2021