I was lost… and now I’m found.

I’ve been learning a lot about myself whilst I’m in Hong Kong.

My capacity to love, to be compassionate, patient and understanding. On this trip I’ve been verbally and physically showing my family how much I care about them, even though in our family (and many South East and East Asian families) we don’t openly express or show our feelings to each other. The lack of affection growing up has made me seek it from others, unfortunately sometimes ending up in some horrific situations, however those days are over now. Tough lessons learnt and never to be repeated.

There are many similarities between my upbringing and that of my ABC (American Born Chinese) and BBC (British Born Chinese) friends. The majority of us have tough tiger mums, they are very strict, relentless, always pushing us to be perfect children and adults, to achieve top grades, earn a high salary and have the best of everything. A question that has always bothered me for many years is how are we supposed to behave and react when tough love from a parent actually presents itself as hate and anger? It’s caused so many problems and arguments over the years. It’s toxic and it’s horrible to have this type of relationship. I really struggle with it. I know I have to let the past go, things will never change now, the only thing that can change in this situation is how I choose to deal with my reactions and emotions. I owe it to myself to free this tight hold that has suffocated me for so many years, the fear that makes me get panic attacks at the thought of spending time with my mum.

I joked to my friends that I would treat this trip like a prison sentence as I knew I would need to be indoors the majority of the time. I told them I would exercise every other day and read lots so I would come home hench and educated! I’ve not been able to do the former and very little of the latter, and yet I feel as though I have grown.

This trip has made me feel a love for mum that I’ve never had before. This may sound strange and even shock those of you who have a great relationship with their mums, growing up I wished we were close but that was never meant to be. I’m also being wary, things can, do and have changed in an instant and I need to always maintain some level of detachment to protect myself and my own wellbeing, I always have to be on guard, to put my defence up. In martial arts we keep our hands up, to keep a tight guard and we learn to defend and evade an attack. I wish I could employ these tactics on an emotional level, but I can’t always do it. There will always be some stinging and hurtful comments that get through that will make me cry.

Mum once said to me “We will never get on or understand each other. I have Chinese thinking, you have Western thinking.” I understand my mum more than she realises, and that is why I am able to be here now. Over the years there have been numerous times I have turned my back on my family because I didn’t want to keep getting hurt and punished for things that were not my fault and yet my mum would blame me for them – she is very superstitious. I was the unlucky child, the troublemaker, the one who brought shame to my family.

I’ve been hurting so much all my life and I can’t carry on like this anymore. I’m tired. Now that I’ve said that it has made a big lump in my throat and my eyes are tearing up.

Time is so precious. It feels like it goes so slowly and as we age it seems to speed up. I have to let go of the pain and the anger, they serve me no purpose and it’s time to put away those mum associated emotions I’ve had for many years. It will take some time for me to unlearn some of my behaviours and feelings. I need to rewire myself to become version 2.0… who am I kidding? I’m on version 5.0 now I’m in my fifth decade. There will be many updates in future years!

So today I am grateful to have this opportunity to address and slowly mend our family trauma patterns. I owe it to myself and my family to continue working on this, to make sure we support each other, to ask for and accept help.

I hope I can do my mum and dad proud with how I turned out. 🙏🏼

Food and Bonding

If there’s one thing that can bring people together (besides music!), one of life’s greatest pleasures is food.

My mum used to own a takeaway in her younger years. I always remember watching her do the food prep for the many dishes that were on the menu. We would accompany mum to the supermarket where she would stock up on items, if we were lucky we might get a bag of white rabbit sweets or haw flakes (flat discs of candy made from Chinese hawthorn) to share which would be our bounty. Mum used to make a huge pot of curry sauce which would take at least 12 hours of prep. I would watch her endlessly stirring with her big wooden stick which was stained with curry paste. The smell would permeate everything, the end result was always worth it. Even today some of my favourite comfort foods are chips with curry sauce or sweet and sour fish fingers. One of my favourite things I used to do which was one of my jobs in the shop was to bag up the freshly fried prawn crackers. My mum would put them into a big metal container and I was responsible for putting them in paper bags and twirl them at the corners so we could sell them in the shop. What happens when you allow a five year old to be in such close vicinity to freshly made prawn crackers? I would of course eat a whole bunch of them and get a massive telling off… but they were always worth it!

I’ve always been fascinated with food. The ingredients we buy, how we prepare them, the flavour and texture combinations of dishes, the colours and the presentation. I’m sure that stemmed from my childhood in a takeaway shop and seeing endless people coming in to buy their dinners.

Coming from a background of Chinese heritage, I have always leaned towards natural remedies to help with illnesses. I will only seek Western medication when absolutely necessary. I’m a big believer in using food to heal, I also love to eat colourful, natural food – colour therapy through food has been an important part of managing my wellbeing. I’m not a complete saint though when it comes to food, I also love sweets and I’m a sucker for crisps.

Today I’ve been looking after mum and making sure that she eats well which is not always easy when caring for those with dementia. Their eating habits will change, they will often lose their appetite, forget to chew and swallow too fast and end up choking, or even eat too much and be sick. We also need to make sure we leave out a midnight snack for mum when she wanders around in the early morning as she will be peckish and need something to eat. I know what I’m like when I’m hangry, I certainly don’t want mum to get like that.

We are very lucky where we live in Hong Kong as we have many restaurants and a few supermarkets nearby which has food that mum is used to. When mum was back in the UK the food there didn’t really agree with her, although she does love a Sunday roast and she is also partial to the occasional chicken nuggets & McD’s which we always find amusing.

When I cook, I like to cook with love for whoever I’m eating with. It’s one of my greatest joys in life, to cook for family and friends, sit down together to eat.

So today mum and I have been bonding over food. We’ve also been eating fresh lychees together whilst we watch TV. There has only been one angry outburst today and I managed to stay calm and not let my anxiety get the better of me so I could also calm mum down.

This is huge progress and I hope it continues.

Fear, Hurt and Healing

I’ve been dreading this trip for two months.

With each passing week as the date got closer to me flying to Hong Kong to see my mum, my anxiety increased to the point where I was having regular panic attacks each week. My heart would be racing, I couldn’t breathe, my stomach would cramp and I would break out into cold sweats.

The time has arrived. I am now here with my family so I can take care of my mum whilst my brother and his wife have some much needed respite and can get away for a little break. My visits to Hong Kong as an adult have not been very pleasant and so that’s why I haven’t been for nearly 25 years. I would get openly stared at and have people be rude to me because I didn’t fit in. That was also adding to my anxiety. I’m really glad that it hasn’t been as bad this time around.

If you are wondering why I would get panic attacks about the thought of seeing my mum, there is much to explain and I’m very aware I need to change this pattern and how I feel. Rewiring my brain and reactions to think and behave differently is challenging, there are so many triggers of being with mum that put me into anxious mode. I know that she also gets anxious about us too which is where the screaming, shouting and erratic behaviour comes from. I have the benefit of being able to change my patterns of behaviour, mum doesn’t have that ability and so this is something I need to remind myself regularly.

I don’t want to continue thinking and living in what was. I want to be present and improve what will be.

I was recently asked to name a happy memory I’ve had with my mum for an incredible campaign that I was involved with for a dementia charity. I couldn’t think of one and I ended up choosing a memory that involved my dad because even though he is not physically here, and hasn’t been for many years I experience his love and reassurance regularly.

It breaks my heart that my experiences with my mum have for the most part been unpleasant, painful, shameful and frightening. My mum in her younger years was so powerful, dominant and strong. I partly admired and yet also greatly feared her in those days. My mum was tough and resilient. In the early part of her dementia before we received an official diagnosis, we have seen those traits turn into dementia rages which would last for hours, sometimes days. They were exhausting and we would be constantly on edge and walking on eggshells around her. Scared that anything we said or did, or what we didn’t say or do would make her fly into a rage at us.

Now I’m here.

Spending some much needed time with my brother and his wife which I really value. I worry about them constantly being so far away now and looking after mum. I also carry tremendous amounts of guilt as I don’t have the ability to walk down the road like before when they lived in London. I have very little capacity to help look after mum since they moved to Hong Kong. For anyone who has taken care of loved ones with dementia, we all share similar experiences. It’s incredibly tough, and there will be moments where we will break down and cry out of frustration and fear of what may happen… yet we must go on. We cannot give up. We live for the small moments, the little sparks of joy where the love and acknowledgment is seen and we feel that energy. For us though, love was never seen or felt in a healthy way – only out of anger and disappointment. I am so sad for my mum she also had a very difficult and painful upbringing, and it has been passed down to us.

There are many things over the years that have happened in my family which we deliberately keep from mum and only tell her when absolutely necessary as we are all worried about triggering her rage. We also don’t want her to worry and get anxious about us, which she does constantly.

Today we had an incident where we had to tell her some of the things we have been withholding, we couldn’t keep them a secret any longer. We were all nervous about it and expecting the screaming to start and I could feel my own anxiety, and that of my brother and his wife’s increasing. We were all fearful of mum’s reaction.

There was no response. No flicker of acknowledgement in her eyes or face.

The dementia deterioration has taken many of my mum’s memories. She didn’t know who we were talking about, even though they are people who are very dear to us. We were talking about our own families, and those which we have married into. We watched mum so she could absorb what we had told her, still no response.

I know this week may have some difficult times ahead for me as I will be on my own with mum. I can’t let my fear and anxiety get the better of me. I will do my best to be patient, loving and kind to someone who has shown me so much cruelty over the years.

I forgive my mum regularly from afar for my own mental health and wellbeing. I also have to forgive her daily now I am here.

Nothing I ever say or do will ever be enough for mum. I can’t be the person she wanted me to be – a replica of her.

I can only be me. Sorry mum.

I wish you could see we only want what’s best for you. We have done so much over the years to heal our childhoods so we are in a position to take care of you now.

We deserve to heal. I hope together we can, no matter how hard the journey may be.

I am Enough

I lost my shit this week. A bit more than I had last week, and a bit more than the week before.

Sometimes we carry burdens for far too long by ourselves, thinking we can sort it out and everything will be fine. Then these issues and problems don’t get sorted, and like a dripping tap more get added until we just can’t deal with it all and then our cup overfills and we burst.

I cried. I’ve been crying almost every day for a few weeks now. My anxiety attacks have come back big time.

This is mental health awareness week in the UK. It’s been a strange feeling to stand up in front of my colleagues and let them know we are there for them. We have organised various activities over the next month to encourage them to take care of themselves and mange their mental health. I am struggling to manage my own at the moment. I’ve always been very good at smiling to pretend everything is fine, putting on my positivity pants (in my head they are sparkly and have puppies and kittens on them), and making people think I’m ok when I’m not. I can’t keep wearing this mask – it’s exhausting, and I’m so tired. So my mask has dropped and I’ve opened the flood gates.

It can be scary admitting we need help. I’m always worried about letting people down – particularly at work where so many people depend on and look to me to lead and to keep everyone and everything on track. My boss has been amazing and is helping me navigate the work pressures and stress. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I have to hang on for a little while longer.

This week I’ve had a few wake up calls.

Drip, drip, drip… the constant drops of other people’s words, expectations, behaviour and actions, worrying about my friends and family. Juggling things in my personal life. Trying hard to block out the overwhelming difficulties of what’s happening globally. So many are struggling and hurting. I also have ongoing doctors and hospital appointments to try and pinpoint what’s going on with my health. It all adds up.

I’ve also been worrying about an upcoming trip abroad to look after my mum who has dementia. I have a very difficult relationship with her and this trip has made my anxiety skyrocket with each week that passes. I have to keep telling myself to stop thinking the worst about something that hasn’t happened yet. I want to be prepared though, so my inner child doesn’t get hurt time and time again whenever we are in each other’s company. It’s so hard to not let her cruel words pierce my heart and disturb my soul. I must find a way to get through this because I’m the one that is aware of what is going on around me, my mum has lost this ability.

I must be strong, I must be kind and I must be patient. I also need to prioritise my wellbeing.

I’ve made an effort to eat better and to make time to exercise regularly which always makes a big impact to my mental health. It’s hard though, when you’re exhausted from the mental battle that you fight every day. Trying to muster up some energy to exercise – it does make a difference so I put on some music and push myself or I go for walk around the block. Making myself move is important so I don’t just sit on the sofa and stare blankly at the walls.

I’ve also started journaling again. Sometimes it’s the odd word that describes how I’m feeling, or it might be sentences that don’t really make much sense. I need to get the excessive thoughts and worries out of my head so they’re not swirling around and getting tangled up with each other. Trying to find peace amongst the busyness. I’ve been chatting to my husband and best friends letting them know I’m not in a good place, which isn’t easy to admit. The love and support they have shown me is incredible. I’m so thankful to to have my tribe, my soul family and the kind messages and support from people I interact with on various social media channels – I appreciate you all so much. This is one of the most compassionate things we can do for ourselves, it’s ok to say that you aren’t ok and that you need some support. So many of us are told we have to keep a stiff upper lip, we can’t lose face, or don’t talk about your problems as it means you’re weak. It’s the opposite – being vulnerable and asking for help takes incredible strength, it’s a huge act of kindness to ourselves that we deserve to allow. Bottling things up not only damages us mentally, it can also manifest into physical ailments if we don’t allow it to surface, talk about it and release it. Like bubbles rising to the surface – set them free.

I will get there.

If you are also going through a hard time at the moment I send you much love. I hope you have a strong support network to help you and please don’t be afraid to ask for help. I am so grateful for mine, although sometimes I keep things to myself because I don’t want to worry them. I need to work on that, it’s always been a work in progress.

I am always a work in progress.

During these challenging times we must always remember to have hope and know that this is temporary.

This too shall pass.

Yin & Yang

Dahlia in the early morning sun

Life has been so hectic lately. I’ve been trying to organise so many things, help loved ones & juggle work priorities whilst navigating my own health issues. It was time for a hard stop and a reset, and what better way to do it than attend a yoga and meditation retreat with my amazing Yin yoga teacher Jenny.

How often do we block out time for self care, to allow ourselves to recalibrate, to heal and to focus on what we need and want on a spiritual and physical level? We need to make time before it’s too late. One of my work colleagues reminded me recently that “health is our wealth” and I can’t keep running at one hundred miles an hour, I need to slow down. I need to listen to the many signs my body is telling me, people compliment me on my strong mind, however a strong mind needs to work in harmony with our body.

My best friend and I attended the second half of Jenny’s yoga retreat which was focused on Yin. The session started off with setting our intention for what we wanted to get out of the retreat. I said I wanted to find peace and self forgiveness, I can’t always be there for everyone even though I may try. It’s too much for me to manage, I am resetting my boundaries and forgiving myself for the guilt at having to let some people down by gently saying no, I cannot be available for them. I can’t help anyone if I don’t also help myself. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

The first half of the day had been raining heavily and by the time our Yin retreat started the sky had cleared and we had sunshine which was a welcome sight from the studio which overlooks a park. I took this as a sign and a reminder to always look out for the sunshine after the rain.

We spent some time on fascia release and a facial massage which really helped to relieve tension. I had some really sore spots which I wasn’t aware of and will definitely pay attention to them going forward. Our bodies store so much, it’s really important we look after ourselves.

One of my favourite parts of Jenny’s Yin classes is the guided meditation. She asked us to repeat an affirmation “I am” and to find one word to finish the sentence. I also love the music she plays. Everyone who knows me is aware of my music obsession! It inspires me, motivates me, makes me happy and also makes me sad. Most importantly, music also heals me, and when it’s combined with Jenny’s affirmations during her class it’s deeply powerful. I felt the energy of my dad and my grandmas in the studio with me, they were letting me know they are always there with me even though their physical bodies departed many years ago. I cried, and also felt their love surrounding me and the beautiful peaceful and positive energy of everyone else in the studio. This is the magical power of love, don’t ever underestimate it.

That afternoon we had a cacao ceremony which was also very special. This doesn’t mean we were sitting around chatting whilst eating bars of Dairy Milk! A cacao ceremony begins from the way it’s grown, harvested, prepared and consumed. It has medicinal purposes and when sipped slowly with our intention, it also feels very powerful and gentle at the same time.

Our afternoon finished off with Yin yoga, by this point I felt as if I had been reborn, I was so chilled. The tears appeared again, they were tears of joy that I was able to experience such an incredible afternoon with one of my best friends and with Jenny and like minded people who are all on their own journeys of discovery, to learn more about who we are and to be the best version of ourselves. To be kind, compassionate and empathetic in what can often be a cruel world, we need to balance that with love and understanding. We must always fight the good fight.

Thank you Jenny for an amazing afternoon, for guiding us and being so encouraging. You are a special soul, an earth angel.

I will finish off my blog by letting you know what my affirmation was;

I Am Me

R LeBall 6/11/2022

Namaste.

If you would like to find out more about Jenny’s Yin classes you can find her on Instagram – Movement with Jenny