Normally I’m an optimistic, sunny side up type of person but it’s been hard to keep this up when it feels like the world is falling apart and so many people are also struggling. There is so much death, injustice, corruption, greed, pain and loss going on. I can’t ignore it. I see, feel and hear it – it’s hard to stay afloat. I can’t seem to turn it off, no matter how hard I try.
I know others feel the same way and normally we can console each other in person, hug each other. Hugs have so much healing power, to me they are intrinsic to our wellbeing. The best we can do at the moment are text messages and video calls. It’s no match for actual face to face contact but we will need to wait until it’s safe to do so. I long for those days.
I have a plethora of coping strategies I can use when my mental health isn’t great. Journaling, blogging, meditation, mindfulness, exercise, reading, colouring… the list is endless but I am struggling to find time, enjoyment or peace from much right now.
“Don’t be so sensitive”
“You think too much”
“Just let it go. Stop worrying about things you can’t control”
“You can’t help everyone”
“Why are you even concerned about people you don’t know?”
These are all things that have been said to me recently and over the years. I’ve tried to care less, but it feels so wrong. Caring about others is a big part of who I am, but can we care so much for others it becomes detrimental to our own well-being? How do we find a happy balance where caring doesn’t become torment?
I haven’t been sleeping well lately and I know what a huge impact lack of sleep has on my mental health. How I am feeling is not necessarily a reflection of what is actually going on around me. But I can’t ignore my recent anxiety attack and the general feeling of dread that I have right now.
I know this too shall pass. I shall ride the waves of life and try not to drown in the process.
Every once in a while I get really tearful and lose my motivation to do anything. I could easily sit on the sofa in my PJs staring into space for hours on end.
I comfort eat my feelings in the hope that I will derive some kind of dopamine response but even that still leaves me feeling flat. It’s difficult not to allow yourself to feel down at the moment. As the number of deaths from Covid continue to grow higher, the number of people around the world who are experiencing grief and loss is overwhelming. It’s impossible not to feel sad when you see all the heartbreaking posts and tweets that are flooding social media. Last year I tried to reply to as many people as I could, just to let them know they were not alone in their loss and that I was sending love and my condolences. But I couldn’t keep up, and the number of people grieving was becoming overwhelming. As much as it has been heartbreaking, it is also heartwarming to see many others sending prayers and condolences to those who are grieving. But today I feel like I’m stuck in a dream world and I want to wake up.
I was triggered today by an incident that made me have flashbacks to this time last year which was really difficult for me. I was caught off guard and I am not ashamed to admit it made me start crying. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and self development over the last year to try and get over what happened but my response today was a sign that I still have more healing to do. That’s when I had that thought that pops up every now and again
What is my purpose in life? Why am I even here?
I know this feeling is temporary and I shouldn’t give it too much of my energy, but it’s hard. My dreams / nightmares at the moment are very much connected to what is going on in my life and the world right now. It’s getting to the point where I dread going to sleep because I’m worried about what I may dream of.
I was reading today the definition of an existential crisis from the site Very Well Mind;
“An existential crisis refers to feelings of unease about meaning, choice, and freedom in life. Whether referred to as an existential crisis, or existential anxiety, the main concerns are the same: that the idea is that life is inherently pointless, that our existence has no meaning because there are limits or boundaries on it, and that we all must die someday.”
I know my life isn’t pointless, so why do I feel this way? I don’t have any answers right now and I don’t know if I will. I challenge myself on a regular basis, there are always ways I can improve – be kinder, more patient, give more, do more. Am I being too hard on myself? I also know that by the end of the week my mood may have lifted and I will probably feel ok again. This is a reminder that our mental health fluctuates and that’s to be expected given how challenging things are right now.
All I can do at the moment is to take each day as it comes. Whatever that may entail.
I usually feel awkward wishing people a happy new year, especially after what has globally been such a difficult and traumatic time for many. I usually start the year feeling anxious for numerous reasons and I put that feeling aside because I don’t want to overshadow an opportunity for people to feel hopeful, and to make and share their resolutions. I am always open to self development, however I would like to be able to do it without such a big fanfare and with pressure from external sources, and in particular not limit it to one time of the year.
The start of a new year traditionally signifies new beginnings, new opportunities ahead and what I hope this year will bring – a time for healing. But what of those who are trapped in the darkness of the previous year, what happens to all the worries, stresses and strains we have been carrying? Can we really just toss them aside and muster up the optimism and strength to move forward with a different mindset and to find our purpose?
I woke up feeling flat and empty today. I’ve been doing this for many mornings now and I have to fight my way through this because I know that I have much to be grateful for. Each day I wake up I know is a blessing, many have not been able to do this and my heart breaks at the global loss of many lives throughout 2020.
However we choose to see in the new year, please remember that we all work to our own timelines. This is certainly not a time to compare our achievements (or lack of) with other people. Don’t allow yourself to be pressured into making a list of resolutions because you see it plastered in magazines or because someone is saying we should always be hustling and striving to be even more rich and successful. If that’s your life goal, great! But it may not be for everyone. It should always be our choice and when we feel ready and able. Trying to follow someone’s else’s path because we think it’s also what we want is inauthentic and not allowing ourselves to embrace and accept who we are and find our own calling.
I don’t want to be a new me. I wantto be a better me.
I accept that in some areas of my life it will take me longer to achieve than others and I’m okay with that. Even though we may have gone through some of the same life experiences, how we choose to walk through those times and process the emotions that comes with it will be different. We have no obligation to anyone but ourselves in how we deal with and navigate through the difficult times that come our way.
Whatever this year has in store for us, I hope that we can all find some sparks of joy in each day to help us get through this time.
So today I wish you a safe New Year. May you find peace, may you find comfort, and may you continue to heal.
Does it give you a warm, fuzzy feeling? Fill you with happy memories of Christmases with loved ones, handing out presents around the tree, being with family and eating lots of food, watching the Queen’s speech and having an afternoon nap then looking forward to an evening of turkey sandwiches and watching Die Hard?
Or are you more familiar with the other side. A time that is filled with grief, loss, trauma, depression, unhappy memories, dark thoughts, and for many, isolation, especially during the pandemic.
My Christmases have been a lot of the latter. It hasn’t always been doom & gloom but a significant chunk of them have been and it’s hard to lose the feeling of dread and melancholy that I have every year. I’m trying to change the way I feel about it, particularly in the last few years as my life now is very different and better in a lot of ways. I know that I have a lot to be grateful for, but as some things get better, other things also get worse. More losses of loved ones and people we know. This year has been particularly tough, the worldwide collective grief is overwhelming.
A couple of years ago I gave a presentation at work about how to survive Christmas and take care of our mental health. After the presentation I soon found out there are many people who struggle with Christmas for a myriad of reasons. Sharing my story and showing my vulnerability reopens my wounds for a while, sometimes I wonder why I do it, when I see that it enables others to also speak up, my moments of feeling uncomfortable are worth it. I didn’t feel so alone, did I feel comforted? Yes and no, I felt sad so many of us struggle at this time of year and we feel ashamed to talk about how we’re feeling because this time of year is supposed to be about cheer and goodwill to all mankind.
There is a large disconnect with the way Christmas is packaged up and marketed. We are bombarded with images of how it should be. The amount of pressure that is put on people to have the perfect Christmas is huge. Then there is the reality of what this can cost you, financially and emotionally.
One of my worst memories is the time I was in a relationship with a violent psychopath. I tried to break up with him, he coldly told me if I ever left him he would burn down my mum’s house whilst my family were all at home. I was petrified, I eventually did get away from him (after receiving another beating) and thankfully my family and friends weren’t harmed but I had recurring nightmares for years after that. I still sleep with a weapon by my side of the bed… just incase.
Another year my partner at the time passed away unexpectedly. Spending Christmas Day alone when you had attended your partner’s funeral three weeks before is not an experience I would want anyone to ever go through. And yet so many of us have gone through this. My heart goes out to everyone who has lost loved ones.
Other Christmases have involved nervous breakdowns, depression, more grief and loss, painful relationship breakups, family disputes & suicides. It’s such a heavy time of year for me, sometimes I feel like I am suffocating and I want to run away.
I try to spend this time of year alone when I can because it’s crucial for me to have that time where I can try and process what’s going on. I also want to hide for a while. I know it’s actually a luxury to be able to do this because many people do spend it alone and desperately don’t want to. Some people wonder why I can’t snap out of the melancholy that I feel at this time of year, I don’t feel the need to explain to everyone why I dislike Christmas, I also don’t expect people to impose their views and tell me to cheer up and snap out of it. I’m not in the mood for a “Ho Ho Ho” at all!
Whatever we end up doing this year, my wish for you is that you will continue to heal from life and what has been thrown at you. If you are alone, I hope you have friends or family you can call if you are unable to physically visit them, please don’t be afraid to let people know you feel lonely. If you don’t have any support there are services available such as:
⁃ Samaritans 116 123
⁃ Text SHOUT to 85258 and you will be connected to a crisis volunteer
⁃ Join a mental health support group on social media or look for a mental health support account who also have volunteers who will respond
For the last few years there has been a recurring message of ‘be kind’ to others. It’s also important to remember that this also includes being kind to ourselves. Some of us carry so much guilt and shame from the past that it weighs us down. It’s such a heavy burden to carry, especially if there are expectations from others on how they think we should be and how to behave. If there is one gift we can give it’s one of self forgiveness.
It’s time toset free the ghosts of Christmas past.
I have never written about that time, even though I journal and blog. There was always a part of me that didn’t want to bring up those memories again, the time now feels ‘right’ as this month is the anniversary of his death.
Grief is a cruel, ongoing lesson that never stops. Over the years grief changes, but it’s always with us, it leaves permanent scars. There is nothing in life that prepares us for the loss of a loved one, even if we have lost someone before. The avalanche of emotions that it brings up are all consuming, they paralyse us, make it hard to breathe. We are trapped in a living hell, trying to survive, our brains are on auto loop replaying memories and events. We are numbed by pain. We yearn to have more time with them, we shed many tears over many years. Over the years the pain lessens, it’s easier to breathe when the anniversary comes around… but the wound is still there, held on by a lifelong plaster that will be replaced numerous times over our lifetime.
I met Chris when I was 23. I wasn’t in the headspace for a relationship as the previous year I had run away from an abusive relationship and gone into hiding. We met through a mutual friend and found out we had lots in common. I was very defensive, still carrying mental scars from my abusive relationship and I was wary of anyone new.
We didn’t have a lot of time together, death put an abrupt end to that. But in the time we did have, I began to heal and I will always be grateful for that important journey and to Chris for his patience and making me laugh, and most importantly, making me feel safe. I don’t want to go into too many details of our relationship or that time because tears are already flowing hard as I write this.
Chris died of a brain haemorrhage in his sleep. I found out when I was Christmas shopping for his presents. I had a strong feeling I had to call him on my way home and his neighbour answered the phone, he didn’t want to tell me what had happened on the phone. He wanted to tell me in person, I started crying and asked him to say what was going on. I will never forget those words “There’s been an incident. Chris has gone”. I was sobbing hard on the escalators going into the tube station. I was shrieking, I couldn’t breathe.
The moment I had called was five minutes after his family and neighbour had gained entry into his home as no one had heard from him for a week and he hadn’t returned our calls. I went over there straight away, the police and an ambulance was also there. It was the first time I had met his sister, she asked who I was, his neighbour hugged me and said he was so sorry. I could barely garble the words “I’m his girlfriend”, I felt sick and I was in shock. We all were.
I asked the police if I could say goodbye to him, they didn’t want to let me into his bedroom because they said it would be too upsetting. A part of me wishes I had listened to them, but at that moment I had to say goodbye, it felt like the right thing to do. Seeing Chris in that way has tormented me many times over the years. That image is deeply imprinted in my mind, I don’t want to remember him like that. Someone so full of life, vibrant, charismatic, funny, kind and protective to those in his circle – now lifeless.
Chris has sent me little reminders over the years. To let me know even though his physical body is no longer here, his spirit very much is. I find it comforting and heartbreaking at the same time.
Fast forward to now and there is happier news. I am engaged.
I didn’t think I would ever get to this point in a relationship because for so many years after Chris died I had a huge fear that if I allowed myself to love again, I would lose them. My counsellor was amazing, she helped me navigate so many difficult times. Of course we all have to die at some point, but losing a partner so suddenly and unexpectedly changes you in so many ways.
Because I was so young, I used to have people regularly telling me I would be ok as I had plenty of time ahead of me to find love again. Please don’t do that. Don’t ever tell someone who has lost their partner they will find love again. You may think you are helping and giving us hope, but infact your words are incredibly cruel and can be soul destroying. For those of us who have loved and lost, only we can decide when we are ready to start living again. We work to our own timelines, you don’t get to tell us what we should and shouldn’t do. You certainly don’t get to impose your expectations onto us at any stage.
I know I am very fortunate to have found a big love again. I am grateful for that every day and it’s something I will never take for granted.
This is part of my story. Thank you for reading.
In loving kindness.
If you want to speak to someone about griefplease go to the Cruse website.
One of the best books Ihave read about grief is by Megan Devine ‘It’s ok that you’re not ok: meeting grief and loss in a culture that doesn’t understand’.
健康 Jiànkāng 