Love, Loss & Grief

24 years ago my partner died.

I have never written about that time, even though I journal and blog. There was always a part of me that didn’t want to bring up those memories again, the time now feels ‘right’ as this month is the anniversary of his death.

Grief is a cruel, ongoing lesson that never stops. Over the years grief changes, but it’s always with us, it leaves permanent scars. There is nothing in life that prepares us for the loss of a loved one, even if we have lost someone before. The avalanche of emotions that it brings up are all consuming, they paralyse us, make it hard to breathe. We are trapped in a living hell, trying to survive, our brains are on auto loop replaying memories and events. We are numbed by pain. We yearn to have more time with them, we shed many tears over many years. Over the years the pain lessens, it’s easier to breathe when the anniversary comes around… but the wound is still there, held on by a lifelong plaster that will be replaced numerous times over our lifetime.

I met Chris when I was 23. I wasn’t in the headspace for a relationship as the previous year I had run away from an abusive relationship and gone into hiding. We met through a mutual friend and found out we had lots in common. I was very defensive, still carrying mental scars from my abusive relationship and I was wary of anyone new.

We didn’t have a lot of time together, death put an abrupt end to that. But in the time we did have, I began to heal and I will always be grateful for that important journey and to Chris for his patience and making me laugh, and most importantly, making me feel safe. I don’t want to go into too many details of our relationship or that time because tears are already flowing hard as I write this.

Chris died of a brain haemorrhage in his sleep. I found out when I was Christmas shopping for his presents. I had a strong feeling I had to call him on my way home and his neighbour answered the phone, he didn’t want to tell me what had happened on the phone. He wanted to tell me in person, I started crying and asked him to say what was going on. I will never forget those words “There’s been an incident. Chris has gone”. I was sobbing hard on the escalators going into the tube station. I was shrieking, I couldn’t breathe.

The moment I had called was five minutes after his family and neighbour had gained entry into his home as no one had heard from him for a week and he hadn’t returned our calls. I went over there straight away, the police and an ambulance was also there. It was the first time I had met his sister, she asked who I was, his neighbour hugged me and said he was so sorry. I could barely garble the words “I’m his girlfriend”, I felt sick and I was in shock. We all were.

I asked the police if I could say goodbye to him, they didn’t want to let me into his bedroom because they said it would be too upsetting. A part of me wishes I had listened to them, but at that moment I had to say goodbye, it felt like the right thing to do. Seeing Chris in that way has tormented me many times over the years. That image is deeply imprinted in my mind, I don’t want to remember him like that. Someone so full of life, vibrant, charismatic, funny, kind and protective to those in his circle – now lifeless.

Chris has sent me little reminders over the years. To let me know even though his physical body is no longer here, his spirit very much is. I find it comforting and heartbreaking at the same time.

Fast forward to now and there is happier news. I am engaged.

I didn’t think I would ever get to this point in a relationship because for so many years after Chris died I had a huge fear that if I allowed myself to love again, I would lose them. My counsellor was amazing, she helped me navigate so many difficult times. Of course we all have to die at some point, but losing a partner so suddenly and unexpectedly changes you in so many ways.

Because I was so young, I used to have people regularly telling me I would be ok as I had plenty of time ahead of me to find love again. Please don’t do that. Don’t ever tell someone who has lost their partner they will find love again. You may think you are helping and giving us hope, but infact your words are incredibly cruel and can be soul destroying. For those of us who have loved and lost, only we can decide when we are ready to start living again. We work to our own timelines, you don’t get to tell us what we should and shouldn’t do. You certainly don’t get to impose your expectations onto us at any stage.

I know I am very fortunate to have found a big love again. I am grateful for that every day and it’s something I will never take for granted.

This is part of my story. Thank you for reading.

In loving kindness.

If you want to speak to someone about grief please go to the Cruse website.

One of the best books I have read about grief is by Megan Devine ‘It’s ok that you’re not ok: meeting grief and loss in a culture that doesn’t understand’.

Lessons & Healing

One of the kindest things we can do for someone who has opened up to us and talked about how they are doing is to let them discuss and acknowledge their feelings. To hold space for someone without imparting our own experiences on to them and trying to tell them what they should do.

Your true nature is luminous

People who tell us we have to let go and move on have no idea how hurtful and damaging this can be to someone who is experiencing pain, anxiety and grief.

We are not ready yet to move on. The pain is very real, we are raw and vulnerable.

Other people don’t get to impose their timelines onto us. We will heal in our own time and it’s not a linear process.

I had this happen quite recently. I almost argued with a friend who told me I have to move on because in their words “the only person you are hurting is yourself”.

I know I have to move on, please let me live and learn from my lessons. I need to understand my journey, not be pressured by others to heal in a timeframe they think is suitable. Don’t force me to run when I have only just started walking again.

With loving kindness

Exercise, Wellbeing and Me

Fitness
My fitness journey over the years

I used to be strong and fit.

I say used to because at one stage my social life was going to the gym twice a day, six days a week. Over the last couple of years I have barely done any exercise.

I used to exercise a lot because it was so important in helping manage my mental health. It’s no coincidence that over the last couple of years my mental health and overall wellbeing has been at its worst. This year in particular has been tough and that’s without adding Covid-19 into the equation.

I have realised that there is no point in me hankering after the person I used to be, I’m not in that position anymore and the scales certainly tell a different story. Instead my focus is on who I am now and what changes I can make to fit my life in this moment so I can get through each day.

So for the last month I have started exercising again and I’m finally putting to use some of the fitness equipment I ordered back in April – I’ve had a rude awakening of how unfit I am. I was embarrassed at how easily I gas out so I had to give myself a pep talk and be mindful of some important lessons:

⁃ Start small. I’ve started with tabata skipping so I have active and rest time that I do in 4 minute blocks. As I get fitter my active time increases, along with the number of blocks

⁃ Be consistent. I’m starting off with a minimum of twice a week training sessions, 3 or 4 sessions is ideal

⁃ Train outdoors where possible. It feels good to be outside in the sunshine (will grab it when I can!)

⁃ Include resistance and strength training in addition to my cardio

⁃ Increase my daily steps. I’m happy to be able to get back to the 10,000 mark the last few weeks, during lockdown this had dropped to about 1,500 a day and quite a few of those mainly consisted of trips from the lounge to the kitchen looking for snacks!

⁃ Intuitive eating. I am usually a big comfort eater and will eat my feelings. I’m being a lot more mindful of only eating when I’m hungry and being more aware of what I am eating (my crumpets & kettle chips consumption has been greatly reduced)

⁃ My training plan also includes mind training so I have started journaling and meditating again and I check in with my therapist as and when I need to

⁃ Reducing my time on social media and muting or blocking key words and accounts. This has been so important the last few months, there are so many angry and bigoted voices in the social media space, it was really starting to get to me

⁃ Daily gratitude. There are so many things to be thankful for

⁃ Find joy in each day. I have been taking a lot of pictures so I have reminders. They’re mainly of my cat at the moment

⁃ Be kind. I often berate myself when I’m not doing well at something. I don’t need to beat myself up about any of my goals and what it takes to get there. If I fail at something it becomes a lesson and it means I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and wasn’t afraid to try something new

I am learning to accept myself for who I am and what I am capable of in this moment. I also thank my past self for helping me get to this point in my life.

A reminder to always be grateful I am here #semicolonproject

Lessons to my Twenty Something Self

Aged 21

Hindsight can be a wonderful thing.

I was recently involved in a conversation about what advice would you give to your younger self, in particular to people in their 20s. This question has lingered with me for some reason so I thought I would expand on some of the lessons I wish had known at that time. Twenty years on I am still working on some of these!

1. Don’t place your worth on external validation from others. If you always need to be told you are great, amazing, kind etc. There will come a point where you feel empty and worthless. Knowing your self worth comes from within, harness and develop it yourself – that is true strength and courage

2. If something or someone feels off, always trust your instincts. The few times I have ignored my inner alarm bells it has got me into some really difficult and traumatic situations

3. You cannot change the past so don’t let it take up too much space in your head. This is often easier said than done, we create a lot of self suffering from replaying situations we cannot change. Learn the lesson and try to move on ASAP

4. What thoughts, experiences & emotions can you challenge, accept or let go?

5. If you feel uncomfortable, you are entitled to walk away. You can set & reset your boundaries at any time, don’t be afraid to let people know what they are

6. Not everyone will get you or even like you. That’s totally fine, you don’t need to beg people for friendship

7. Live for the moment. Look to the past for lessons but don’t dwell there. We can plan for the future to some extent but allow yourself to be flexible and work to your own timelines, not ones that other people think you should meet

8. Don’t hold a grudge or be vengeful. Be big enough to acknowledge the part you have played and what lessons have presented themselves to you. Have the humility and grace to understand that your side of the actions are not always the right way

9. Don’t allow your judgement to be clouded by the opinions of others. Trust your own mind, and develop your own morals & values. Remember that people may not always tell the truth about you either

10. When someone shows you their true colours, believe them and take appropriate steps to protect yourself

11. Try to find small sparks of joy in each day

12. Let people know you care. Our time on earth is limited and precious

13. Grieving for loved ones will always be with you. We never get over grief, however over the years we learn to live with it and the pain does lessen over time

14. You can’t do everything and please everyone. You will find this exhausting

15. Pay as much attention to your mental health as you do your physical health

16. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, when you do, be aware that some people may be uncomfortable with what you say. Don’t let this deter you, it takes time to find your tribe and you will find them

17. Be kind to yourself and others at all times. Don’t let other people’s actions harden your heart

18. Help people without the expectation of them returning the favour, although be careful people don’t start to abuse your kindness

19. Never lose hope and always have faith in yourself and what you are capable of

20. Don’t be afraid to fail. There are many lessons to be learnt and it’s where some of our biggest growth happens. When we fail at something it allows us to start understanding who we are

If you have any lessons you would like to share I would love to hear them. Namaste.

Lockdown Lessons

I have struggled to journal or blog since the covid-19 lockdown.

My brain seems to have come to a grinding halt in some aspects but is also filled with noise and anxiety from around the world. I can’t help but think about all the lives lost, people unable to say goodbye to loved ones, domestic violence figures rising globally, healthcare and essential services workers putting their lives on the line for us, people losing jobs, businesses closing down… the list goes on.

My days swing between being mildly productive (I am not bothered about finding side hustles, learning 5 languages whilst also getting a ‘beach body’ during this time) and trying to maintain a positive mindset to days when I feel like I have been hit with a sledgehammer and I struggle to get out of bed. My head hurts, my heart hurts – my soul hurts.

I have been trying to restrict my time on social media because I find the noise overwhelming but I still get drawn in. I have found myself consoling strangers (along with many others) as they share their stories of loss and heartbreak. I wish people from around the world Happy Birthday as they share their lockdown stories, I get angry with the government. I share pictures of my cat with people who are feeling sad and who have asked for pet pictures to help cheer them up. I write stupid tweets about my addiction to crisps and crumpets in the hope it may make someone laugh in a world of millions of strangers who are also angry, hurting, scared and many are feeling lonely.

The pandemic has taught me the importance of living in the moment, allowing myself to take each day as it comes. We can’t look too far ahead, there are so many things out of our control. I have been asking myself what events or thoughts can I challenge, accept or let go.

I hope people are going through a journey of reflection, self development and healing so we emerge wiser and kinder.

My faith and hope has always got me through tough times. I hope we make it.