Goodbye Missy

My beautiful girl ❤️

Saturday 13th Feb 2021 will forever be one of the saddest days in my life.

I knew this time was coming. I could sense it but didn’t want it to be today, or any day let’s be honest. I wanted more time with her. I finally had to say goodbye to my little girl, she has gone to rainbow bridge.

I first met Missy over 18 years ago, she was so small, the runt of the litter and the moment we set eyes on each other – BAM! It was instant love. She was in a shed with her siblings who all ran away when I went to see them, except Missy stayed sitting in front of me. A tiny ball of black fluff with huge blue eyes, when I picked her up she could not stop looking at me and she clambered on my shoulder and snuggled into my neck. There was no way I was leaving without her, our bond had been established.

Missy was such a funny little cat. Her nickname was Ninja Kitteh (and it eventually became mine too) because we would play fight with each other when she was little. She would hide behind doors and pounce on your legs yowling like she was taking part in a 10 person kumite. A few of my friends commented that Missy reminded them of Toothless from How To Train Your Dragon because of her big eyes. She liked Drum and Bass and Hip Hop (she was named after one of my favourite rappers Missy Elliott). We spent many a Saturday night at home with me listening to music and dancing around my front room. Missy would be jumping around too. Missy was brilliant at pistachio nut football, I would kick them around and she would always catch them and expertly dribble them everywhere. For months I would find pistachio nuts everywhere at home and if anyone ever ate them in her company she would start miaowing loudly at them demanding a game of football. I once heckled John Terry at a Chelsea Champions league semi final and shouted that my cat could dribble better than him.

Over the years as Missy got older she began to calm down but still maintained her diva like ways. Like all cats she had an excellent stink eye. She was a lap cat, not so keen on being picked up but she would sit on my lap for hours and fall asleep. Often there were times I had fallen asleep on the sofa and I would wake up and think I was paralysed because I couldn’t feel my legs – Missy would be stretched out on them fast asleep. She always liked to make an appearance on video calls, usually you would see her big eyes first and then like a typical cat she would show her disdain and show everyone her bum.

The last two years Missy’s health began to go downhill. She was diagnosed with kidney disease, high blood pressure and arthritis. She went blind twice last year and managed to astound the vet’s by recovering her eyesight each time when they didn’t think it was possible. But there comes a point in an animal’s life when their health becomes so bad you have to let them go even though it will break your heart. I had time with her at home and played music for her, told her how much I love her. One of the final songs that I played for her was Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s ‘The Power of Love’. It’s one of my favourite songs and I was in tears as she was on my lap. I already knew what the vet’s diagnosis would be and what the options were. I had been expecting this day and knew we were on borrowed time. Missy was becoming so fragile and yet was still so loving… and demanding! I am so grateful they allowed me to be with her until the very end even with Covid guidelines. As heartbreaking as it is for us, it’s the kindest act of love we can give our fur babies. No animal should suffer and live in pain. She was my little fighter, my ninja kitteh to the very end.

I always say there is nothing in life that prepares you for grief, even if you have loved and lost before. Pets have such a huge and important part in our lives, they are a much loved member of our family. The love we have for our furry companions is all encompassing and so pure. So today my heart has been broken as I had to finally say goodbye to my little Moo Moo, little panther, smushface, my Bubsy. Occasionally known as little gobshite when she used to be naughty but she knew she was much loved.

Missy – you were a wonderful companion for so many years. I was blessed to have you for all that time and be your slave / staff.

I will love you always. ❤️🐾❤️

If you are also going through the loss of your beloved fur baby I came across a site Pet Bereavement which I hope provides you with some support at this difficult time.

Let me rest my weary soul

I’m tired. Tired of the world. Tired of myself.

Normally I’m an optimistic, sunny side up type of person but it’s been hard to keep this up when it feels like the world is falling apart and so many people are also struggling. There is so much death, injustice, corruption, greed, pain and loss going on. I can’t ignore it. I see, feel and hear it – it’s hard to stay afloat. I can’t seem to turn it off, no matter how hard I try.

I know others feel the same way and normally we can console each other in person, hug each other. Hugs have so much healing power, to me they are intrinsic to our wellbeing. The best we can do at the moment are text messages and video calls. It’s no match for actual face to face contact but we will need to wait until it’s safe to do so. I long for those days.

I have a plethora of coping strategies I can use when my mental health isn’t great. Journaling, blogging, meditation, mindfulness, exercise, reading, colouring… the list is endless but I am struggling to find time, enjoyment or peace from much right now.

“Don’t be so sensitive”

“You think too much”

“Just let it go. Stop worrying about things you can’t control”

“You can’t help everyone”

“Why are you even concerned about people you don’t know?”

These are all things that have been said to me recently and over the years. I’ve tried to care less, but it feels so wrong. Caring about others is a big part of who I am, but can we care so much for others it becomes detrimental to our own well-being? How do we find a happy balance where caring doesn’t become torment?

I haven’t been sleeping well lately and I know what a huge impact lack of sleep has on my mental health. How I am feeling is not necessarily a reflection of what is actually going on around me. But I can’t ignore my recent anxiety attack and the general feeling of dread that I have right now.

I know this too shall pass. I shall ride the waves of life and try not to drown in the process.

Why am I here?

Every once in a while I get really tearful and lose my motivation to do anything. I could easily sit on the sofa in my PJs staring into space for hours on end.

I comfort eat my feelings in the hope that I will derive some kind of dopamine response but even that still leaves me feeling flat. It’s difficult not to allow yourself to feel down at the moment. As the number of deaths from Covid continue to grow higher, the number of people around the world who are experiencing grief and loss is overwhelming. It’s impossible not to feel sad when you see all the heartbreaking posts and tweets that are flooding social media. Last year I tried to reply to as many people as I could, just to let them know they were not alone in their loss and that I was sending love and my condolences. But I couldn’t keep up, and the number of people grieving was becoming overwhelming. As much as it has been heartbreaking, it is also heartwarming to see many others sending prayers and condolences to those who are grieving. But today I feel like I’m stuck in a dream world and I want to wake up.

I was triggered today by an incident that made me have flashbacks to this time last year which was really difficult for me. I was caught off guard and I am not ashamed to admit it made me start crying. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and self development over the last year to try and get over what happened but my response today was a sign that I still have more healing to do. That’s when I had that thought that pops up every now and again

What is my purpose in life? Why am I even here?

I know this feeling is temporary and I shouldn’t give it too much of my energy, but it’s hard. My dreams / nightmares at the moment are very much connected to what is going on in my life and the world right now. It’s getting to the point where I dread going to sleep because I’m worried about what I may dream of.

I was reading today the definition of an existential crisis from the site Very Well Mind;

“An existential crisis refers to feelings of unease about meaning, choice, and freedom in life. Whether referred to as an existential crisis, or existential anxiety, the main concerns are the same: that the idea is that life is inherently pointless, that our existence has no meaning because there are limits or boundaries on it, and that we all must die someday.”

I know my life isn’t pointless, so why do I feel this way? I don’t have any answers right now and I don’t know if I will. I challenge myself on a regular basis, there are always ways I can improve – be kinder, more patient, give more, do more. Am I being too hard on myself? I also know that by the end of the week my mood may have lifted and I will probably feel ok again. This is a reminder that our mental health fluctuates and that’s to be expected given how challenging things are right now.

All I can do at the moment is to take each day as it comes. Whatever that may entail.

New Year, New Me… or can I just be ‘me’?

1st Jan 2021.

Happy New Year.

I usually feel awkward wishing people a happy new year, especially after what has globally been such a difficult and traumatic time for many. I usually start the year feeling anxious for numerous reasons and I put that feeling aside because I don’t want to overshadow an opportunity for people to feel hopeful, and to make and share their resolutions. I am always open to self development, however I would like to be able to do it without such a big fanfare and with pressure from external sources, and in particular not limit it to one time of the year.

The start of a new year traditionally signifies new beginnings, new opportunities ahead and what I hope this year will bring – a time for healing. But what of those who are trapped in the darkness of the previous year, what happens to all the worries, stresses and strains we have been carrying? Can we really just toss them aside and muster up the optimism and strength to move forward with a different mindset and to find our purpose?

I woke up feeling flat and empty today. I’ve been doing this for many mornings now and I have to fight my way through this because I know that I have much to be grateful for. Each day I wake up I know is a blessing, many have not been able to do this and my heart breaks at the global loss of many lives throughout 2020.

However we choose to see in the new year, please remember that we all work to our own timelines. This is certainly not a time to compare our achievements (or lack of) with other people. Don’t allow yourself to be pressured into making a list of resolutions because you see it plastered in magazines or because someone is saying we should always be hustling and striving to be even more rich and successful. If that’s your life goal, great! But it may not be for everyone. It should always be our choice and when we feel ready and able. Trying to follow someone’s else’s path because we think it’s also what we want is inauthentic and not allowing ourselves to embrace and accept who we are and find our own calling.

I don’t want to be a new me. I want to be a better me.

I accept that in some areas of my life it will take me longer to achieve than others and I’m okay with that. Even though we may have gone through some of the same life experiences, how we choose to walk through those times and process the emotions that comes with it will be different. We have no obligation to anyone but ourselves in how we deal with and navigate through the difficult times that come our way.

Whatever this year has in store for us, I hope that we can all find some sparks of joy in each day to help us get through this time.

So today I wish you a safe New Year. May you find peace, may you find comfort, and may you continue to heal.

With loving kindness

‘Tis The Season To Be Jolly…

What does this time of year mean for you?

Does it give you a warm, fuzzy feeling? Fill you with happy memories of Christmases with loved ones, handing out presents around the tree, being with family and eating lots of food, watching the Queen’s speech and having an afternoon nap then looking forward to an evening of turkey sandwiches and watching Die Hard?

Or are you more familiar with the other side. A time that is filled with grief, loss, trauma, depression, unhappy memories, dark thoughts, and for many, isolation, especially during the pandemic.

My Christmases have been a lot of the latter. It hasn’t always been doom & gloom but a significant chunk of them have been and it’s hard to lose the feeling of dread and melancholy that I have every year. I’m trying to change the way I feel about it, particularly in the last few years as my life now is very different and better in a lot of ways. I know that I have a lot to be grateful for, but as some things get better, other things also get worse. More losses of loved ones and people we know. This year has been particularly tough, the worldwide collective grief is overwhelming.

A couple of years ago I gave a presentation at work about how to survive Christmas and take care of our mental health. After the presentation I soon found out there are many people who struggle with Christmas for a myriad of reasons. Sharing my story and showing my vulnerability reopens my wounds for a while, sometimes I wonder why I do it, when I see that it enables others to also speak up, my moments of feeling uncomfortable are worth it. I didn’t feel so alone, did I feel comforted? Yes and no, I felt sad so many of us struggle at this time of year and we feel ashamed to talk about how we’re feeling because this time of year is supposed to be about cheer and goodwill to all mankind.

There is a large disconnect with the way Christmas is packaged up and marketed. We are bombarded with images of how it should be. The amount of pressure that is put on people to have the perfect Christmas is huge. Then there is the reality of what this can cost you, financially and emotionally.

One of my worst memories is the time I was in a relationship with a violent psychopath. I tried to break up with him, he coldly told me if I ever left him he would burn down my mum’s house whilst my family were all at home. I was petrified, I eventually did get away from him (after receiving another beating) and thankfully my family and friends weren’t harmed but I had recurring nightmares for years after that. I still sleep with a weapon by my side of the bed… just incase.

Another year my partner at the time passed away unexpectedly. Spending Christmas Day alone when you had attended your partner’s funeral three weeks before is not an experience I would want anyone to ever go through. And yet so many of us have gone through this. My heart goes out to everyone who has lost loved ones.

Other Christmases have involved nervous breakdowns, depression, more grief and loss, painful relationship breakups, family disputes & suicides. It’s such a heavy time of year for me, sometimes I feel like I am suffocating and I want to run away.

I try to spend this time of year alone when I can because it’s crucial for me to have that time where I can try and process what’s going on. I also want to hide for a while. I know it’s actually a luxury to be able to do this because many people do spend it alone and desperately don’t want to. Some people wonder why I can’t snap out of the melancholy that I feel at this time of year, I don’t feel the need to explain to everyone why I dislike Christmas, I also don’t expect people to impose their views and tell me to cheer up and snap out of it. I’m not in the mood for a “Ho Ho Ho” at all!

Whatever we end up doing this year, my wish for you is that you will continue to heal from life and what has been thrown at you. If you are alone, I hope you have friends or family you can call if you are unable to physically visit them, please don’t be afraid to let people know you feel lonely. If you don’t have any support there are services available such as:

⁃ Samaritans 116 123

⁃ Text SHOUT to 85258 and you will be connected to a crisis volunteer

⁃ Join a mental health support group on social media or look for a mental health support account who also have volunteers who will respond

For the last few years there has been a recurring message of ‘be kind’ to others. It’s also important to remember that this also includes being kind to ourselves. Some of us carry so much guilt and shame from the past that it weighs us down. It’s such a heavy burden to carry, especially if there are expectations from others on how they think we should be and how to behave. If there is one gift we can give it’s one of self forgiveness.

It’s time to set free the ghosts of Christmas past.

With loving kindness ❤️