One of the kindest things we can do for someone who has opened up to us and talked about how they are doing is to let them discuss and acknowledge their feelings. To hold space for someone without imparting our own experiences on to them and trying to tell them what they should do.
Your true nature is luminous
People who tell us we have to let go and move on have no idea how hurtful and damaging this can be to someone who is experiencing pain, anxiety and grief.
We are not ready yet to move on. The pain is very real, we are raw and vulnerable.
Other people don’t get to impose their timelines onto us. We will heal in our own time and it’s not a linear process.
I had this happen quite recently. I almost argued with a friend who told me I have to move on because in their words “the only person you are hurting is yourself”.
I know I have to move on, please let me live and learn from my lessons. I need to understand my journey, not be pressured by others to heal in a timeframe they think is suitable. Don’t force me to run when I have only just started walking again.
I say used to because at one stage my social life was going to the gym twice a day, six days a week. Over the last couple of years I have barely done any exercise.
I used to exercise a lot because it was so important in helping manage my mental health. It’s no coincidence that over the last couple of years my mental health and overall wellbeing has been at its worst. This year in particular has been tough and that’s without adding Covid-19 into the equation.
I have realised that there is no point in me hankering after the person I used to be, I’m not in that position anymore and the scales certainly tell a different story. Instead my focus is on who I am now and what changes I can make to fit my life in this moment so I can get through each day.
So for the last month I have started exercising again and I’m finally putting to use some of the fitness equipment I ordered back in April – I’ve had a rude awakening of how unfit I am. I was embarrassed at how easily I gas out so I had to give myself a pep talk and be mindful of some important lessons:
⁃ Start small. I’ve started with tabata skipping so I have active and rest time that I do in 4 minute blocks. As I get fitter my active time increases, along with the number of blocks
⁃ Be consistent. I’m starting off with a minimum of twice a week training sessions, 3 or 4 sessions is ideal
⁃ Train outdoors where possible. It feels good to be outside in the sunshine (will grab it when I can!)
⁃ Include resistance and strength training in addition to my cardio
⁃ Increase my daily steps. I’m happy to be able to get back to the 10,000 mark the last few weeks, during lockdown this had dropped to about 1,500 a day and quite a few of those mainly consisted of trips from the lounge to the kitchen looking for snacks!
⁃ Intuitive eating. I am usually a big comfort eater and will eat my feelings. I’m being a lot more mindful of only eating when I’m hungry and being more aware of what I am eating (my crumpets & kettle chips consumption has been greatly reduced)
⁃ My training plan also includes mind training so I have started journaling and meditating again and I check in with my therapist as and when I need to
⁃ Reducing my time on social media and muting or blocking key words and accounts. This has been so important the last few months, there are so many angry and bigoted voices in the social media space, it was really starting to get to me
⁃ Daily gratitude. There are so many things to be thankful for
⁃ Find joy in each day. I have been taking a lot of pictures so I have reminders. They’re mainly of my cat at the moment
⁃ Be kind. I often berate myself when I’m not doing well at something. I don’t need to beat myself up about any of my goals and what it takes to get there. If I fail at something it becomes a lesson and it means I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and wasn’t afraid to try something new
I am learning to accept myself for who I am and what I am capable of in this moment. I also thank my past self for helping me get to this point in my life.
A reminder to always be grateful I am here #semicolonproject
I was recently involved in a conversation about what advice would you give to your younger self, in particular to people in their 20s. This question has lingered with me for some reason so I thought I would expand on some of the lessons I wish had known at that time. Twenty years on I am still working on some of these!
1. Don’t place your worth on external validation from others. If you always need to be told you are great, amazing, kind etc. There will come a point where you feel empty and worthless. Knowing your self worth comes from within, harness and develop it yourself – that is true strength and courage
2. If something or someone feels off, always trust your instincts. The few times I have ignored my inner alarm bells it has got me into some really difficult and traumatic situations
3. You cannot change the past so don’t let it take up too much space in your head. This is often easier said than done, we create a lot of self suffering from replaying situations we cannot change. Learn the lesson and try to move on ASAP
4. What thoughts, experiences & emotions can you challenge, accept or let go?
5. If you feel uncomfortable, you are entitled to walk away. You can set & reset your boundaries at any time, don’t be afraid to let people know what they are
6. Not everyone will get you or even like you. That’s totally fine, you don’t need to beg people for friendship
7. Live for the moment. Look to the past for lessons but don’t dwell there. We can plan for the future to some extent but allow yourself to be flexible and work to your own timelines, not ones that other people think you should meet
8. Don’t hold a grudge or be vengeful. Be big enough to acknowledge the part you have played and what lessons have presented themselves to you. Have the humility and grace to understand that your side of the actions are not always the right way
9. Don’t allow your judgement to be clouded by the opinions of others. Trust your own mind, and develop your own morals & values. Remember that people may not always tell the truth about you either
10. When someone shows you their true colours, believe them and take appropriate steps to protect yourself
11. Try to find small sparks of joy in each day
12. Let people know you care. Our time on earth is limited and precious
13. Grieving for loved ones will always be with you. We never get over grief, however over the years we learn to live with it and the pain does lessen over time
14. You can’t do everything and please everyone. You will find this exhausting
15. Pay as much attention to your mental health as you do your physical health
16. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, when you do, be aware that some people may be uncomfortable with what you say. Don’t let this deter you, it takes time to find your tribe and you will find them
17. Be kind to yourself and others at all times. Don’t let other people’s actions harden your heart
18. Help people without the expectation of them returning the favour, although be careful people don’t start to abuse your kindness
19. Never lose hope and always have faith in yourself and what you are capable of
20. Don’t be afraid to fail. There are many lessons to be learnt and it’s where some of our biggest growth happens. When we fail at something it allows us to start understanding who we are
If you have any lessons you would like to share I would love to hear them. Namaste.
I have struggled to journal or blog since the covid-19 lockdown.
My brain seems to have come to a grinding halt in some aspects but is also filled with noise and anxiety from around the world. I can’t help but think about all the lives lost, people unable to say goodbye to loved ones, domestic violence figures rising globally, healthcare and essential services workers putting their lives on the line for us, people losing jobs, businesses closing down… the list goes on.
My days swing between being mildly productive (I am not bothered about finding side hustles, learning 5 languages whilst also getting a ‘beach body’ during this time) and trying to maintain a positive mindset to days when I feel like I have been hit with a sledgehammer and I struggle to get out of bed. My head hurts, my heart hurts – my soul hurts.
I have been trying to restrict my time on social media because I find the noise overwhelming but I still get drawn in. I have found myself consoling strangers (along with many others) as they share their stories of loss and heartbreak. I wish people from around the world Happy Birthday as they share their lockdown stories, I get angry with the government. I share pictures of my cat with people who are feeling sad and who have asked for pet pictures to help cheer them up. I write stupid tweets about my addiction to crisps and crumpets in the hope it may make someone laugh in a world of millions of strangers who are also angry, hurting, scared and many are feeling lonely.
The pandemic has taught me the importance of living in the moment, allowing myself to take each day as it comes. We can’t look too far ahead, there are so many things out of our control. I have been asking myself what events or thoughts can I challenge, accept or let go.
I hope people are going through a journey of reflection, self development and healing so we emerge wiser and kinder.
My faith and hope has always got me through tough times. I hope we make it.
I have been told this numerous times and I am aware of it and yet I can’t stop over thinking or worrying. I have been speaking a lot lately about self suffering as part of my healing process, how my thoughts lead me back to the past too much, which of course I cannot change. I also think too much into the future and so I worry about the what ifs, would could and what may happen. I worry about losing people I love, I worry about people I don’t even know. Seeing so many homeless people fills me with great sadness and I feel helpless that I can’t do more to let them know that people do care about them.
I have always been a day dreamer since I was very young. Being deeply unhappy as a child will do that to you. I was bullied as a kid at primary school, it started when I was 6 years old. The kids would call me horrible names because of how I looked, the boys would sometimes beat me up. I used to come home from school crying and sit in a wardrobe and hide under piles of clothes and wished I could be somewhere else. The tears are flowing as I recall these painful childhood memories. Scars run so deep. How many of us have unresolved issues that started from our childhood? How do we get to work through them all?
To get me through a difficult childhood, I used to day dream that I would be adopted and I would be allowed to have lots of pets. I would write fictional stories and imagine that I fought monsters, could fly like Superman and saved the world. I became a class clown in the hope the other kids would find me funny and want me as their friend instead of someone they could bully. When that didn’t always work, I then discovered I could physically fight back. The boys stopped beating me up soon after that. The name calling still continued, but I also learned to answer back.
As an adult, I am still fighting monsters, but now they exist in my head. Occasionally they turn up as people too. I have been gently challenged recently to turn my ‘monsters’ into my allies by following the Buddhist practise ‘feeding your demons’. https://www.lionsroar.com/how-to-practice-feeding-your-demons/
I am currently in the process of building my army of allies.
I don’t know how long it will take for me to stop over thinking. I regularly have to tell myself I am not my feelings, I am so much more and I have more control than I think.
For now, I will be open to my lessons and focus on being present and ground myself so I can enjoy what is now.
健康 Jiànkāng 