Mother’s Day

Today is a weird one for me.

I have always struggled to say ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ because I don’t have a good relationship with my mum. It was awful when I was younger, when I was kicked out at 17 I didn’t speak to my family for five years.

I have tried many times to have a good relationship with my mum. But there have been too many arguments and fights over the years, often ending with me running out of her house in tears and vowing never to speak to her again… until the next time, another argument, being told I am useless, why would anyone want me, people just use me. I can’t keep doing this.

I last spoke to my mum at Christmas. I had cooked for my family, we were trying to have a nice time and keep the peace. But it was an awkward atmosphere, it usually is. Then mum flipped out whilst opening her presents and the screaming and shouting started. I left the house in tears.

My mum rang me on Boxing Day. She said some absolutely vile things, insulted me as usual. I won’t share what she said because it still hurts, her words are venomous.

My mum was diagnosed with suspected dementia last year in addition to her long term mental health issues. We try our best to help her and support her, the days where she is calm, we are grateful, but we all tread on eggshells because we know she can also explode and fly into a rage. I used to visit three times a week, but that wasn’t enough for her. Now, my mum has refused to speak to me since Boxing Day and I am not allowed in her house. It’s confused me, she has gone from calling me ten times a day and wanting me to go over every day… to nothing.

I don’t know what I have done wrong, actually, I do know what I have done wrong. I refuse to let her bully me, to try and control my life, she is angry that I am engaged. I am the last of my siblings to get married, and she is furious about it. In her eyes, that means all of her children have been stolen from her.

So today, I shall wish my mum Happy Mother’s Day from afar. I send love to all those in a similar situation.

I’m sorry I cannot be the daughter you want me to be. The life you try to force upon me is a replica of your life which I don’t want. When you are ready to speak to me, I shall put my hurt aside so we can try and have some sort of relationship again, even though it causes so much pain.

Doing The Best I Can

There have been a lot of tears lately. For myself and others. Sometimes they fall without me even knowing why, or they fall because I have heard bad news about people I love. I sometimes cry when I am reading and hearing about grief and loss that so many people are going through.

Over the last six months of the lockdown I have been developing traits of agoraphobia. I used to love going out before the pandemic. Now the thought of even going to the supermarket once a week makes me anxious and nervous. I have never been keen on people standing too close to me (the tube at rush hour is horrendous), and now even when someone is a couple of metres away, I can feel my stomach knotting up and my chest starts tightening. I also start to get irritated. My mind is telling my body that I could be in danger and I have to move away. I end up walking in zig zags around people because I would prefer to be at least 3 – 4 metres away from them. I know this behaviour is not sustainable and I need to address it and try not to let it continue.

For now, the only place I do feel safe is at home. I don’t even like to see my neighbours when we need to go out and have to use the communal door to the block of flats I live in. I don’t like to touch door handles with my bare hands, although that has always been a big issue of mine even before the pandemic.

This is just a small part of the various things that are going through my mind and it’s manifesting into physical symptoms. It’s no coincidence that I am having to take my anxiety medication again to minimise the anxiety attacks I am having.

To counteract the feelings of hopelessness and worry that I regularly have, I try to balance it where I can. I know I have much to be grateful for and I remind myself of this every day. I try to find little sparks of joy in my life to keep me as balanced as I can. Music is a great help in lifting my mood. I have started exercising again. I am also going to have a check in with my therapist. I know I am lucky to have these choices.

As with all things, I have to remind myself this too shall pass. Until then, we are all doing the best we can to navigate these strange times we are living in.

Inner Child Healing

A moment of happiness. I remember this day clearly.

I have been in a reflective mood recently. I had hit a brick wall and I was in a funk, recent events have jolted me out of this and I realise how much more healing work I have ahead of me. I’m now ready to continue my journey.

We all have an inner child. For some, it may remind you of carefree days, fun, laughter and lots of happy memories. For others, our childhood was full of trauma, tears, arguments and many unhappy memories. What happens to all of that as we become adults?

I am one of the lucky ones. I have been able to afford private therapy sessions over the years to help me deal with my childhood, and also cope with some adult life events that have knocked me for six.

I am also very grateful for my support circle. My family, not by blood, but of that by choice and shared experiences. This didn’t really happen until my 30s when I became less anxious and fearful of the past, learnt the hard way that friends can also be enemies in disguise, people will smile in your face and stab you in the back. I had to close numerous doors so that I could move forward, and this is something I struggled with for a long time as I was still loyal to those who didn’t give me the same courtesy. It was a very tough lesson and a rude awakening. I had to learn to trust again.

There are two facets to my inner child. I want to maintain a sense of joy and wonder at the world around me. I didn’t experience much of this when I was young and so as an adult this has turned into my love of travelling, experiencing different cultures and trying new things. The pandemic has put a stop to the travels for the time being, but I look forward to it resuming one day.

Then there is the other side, the broken and hurt child. The one that will still retreat, hide and want to run away when life becomes too much. This has been me for the last year or so. It is that child that I need to nurture and show my care, love and attention, I want to heal myself. I need to let some things go and say goodbye to the past.

Today I feel a glimmer of hope.

I am hopeful not just for myself but for others too. Everyone is struggling in some way, my faith in humanity is being restored by seeing words of support and actions being offered to those in need. Thank you to everyone who has sent me kind messages recently. You have helped keep me afloat. This is one of the things that gives me hope. When life gets us down, we shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help, we are all vulnerable.

We will ride through this storm together. Hold on tight!

I Miss You

🐾🐾

It’s only been a few days and there is a Missy shaped hole in my heart. It has been a blessing to have such a small kitteh become one of my biggest loves and take up so much of my life, heart and soul.

I miss not seeing you waiting outside the bedroom for me in the mornings. It feels strange not having you insisting on accompanying me into the bathroom each day. It was weird at first but over the years it became a standard part of our routine. Cats often accompany their slaves to the loo don’t they?!

You always wanted a fuss and head bumps when we brushed our teeth. As soon as you heard the electric toothbrush you would be by our feet.

I miss your miaows wanting to be fed. Or wanting to sit on my lap as I work so I can fuss over you.

I miss seeing you curled up on your armchair fast asleep or asleep on our bed.

I miss our early mornings together on the sofa.

I miss you rushing into the kitchen every time I was getting a can of tuna out of the cupboard. You always knew and appeared out of nowhere like magic. Apart from that one time you came running in and it was a tin of sweetcorn, you gave me such a huge stink eye that I ended up giving you some tuna anyway.

The famous ‘stink eye’

I miss cuddling you, sometimes you even let me hold you for 30 secs before you tried to scratch my face off – a record!

I miss you stomping on me, getting all up in my face and staring at me with your big eyes because you wanted to be fussed over. Of course I was always happy to oblige.

I miss you interrupting our video calls. Blocking one of our faces with your bum. Showing our callers your bum.

I miss you running to the door when we came home, to greet us and see if you can get a snack in the process. You always insisted on sniffing our hands first before we could stroke you.

I miss you sitting and sleeping on my lap, giving me dead legs. I wouldn’t move even when I was bursting for a pee because I didn’t want to disturb you.

I miss you sitting like a loaf in front of the door of my home office. I was never sure if you were blocking me in or trying to trip me up. Maybe both?

I miss these things and so much more about you every day.

Until we meet again Missy. I will be looking out for you so I can finally hug you again and tell you how much I love you. You will always be my feisty little Ninja Kitteh.

Rest in peace my beautiful girl. 💓🐾💓

30/08/2002 – 13/02/2021

Goodbye Missy

My beautiful girl ❤️

Saturday 13th Feb 2021 will forever be one of the saddest days in my life.

I knew this time was coming. I could sense it but didn’t want it to be today, or any day let’s be honest. I wanted more time with her. I finally had to say goodbye to my little girl, she has gone to rainbow bridge.

I first met Missy over 18 years ago, she was so small, the runt of the litter and the moment we set eyes on each other – BAM! It was instant love. She was in a shed with her siblings who all ran away when I went to see them, except Missy stayed sitting in front of me. A tiny ball of black fluff with huge blue eyes, when I picked her up she could not stop looking at me and she clambered on my shoulder and snuggled into my neck. There was no way I was leaving without her, our bond had been established.

Missy was such a funny little cat. Her nickname was Ninja Kitteh (and it eventually became mine too) because we would play fight with each other when she was little. She would hide behind doors and pounce on your legs yowling like she was taking part in a 10 person kumite. A few of my friends commented that Missy reminded them of Toothless from How To Train Your Dragon because of her big eyes. She liked Drum and Bass and Hip Hop (she was named after one of my favourite rappers Missy Elliott). We spent many a Saturday night at home with me listening to music and dancing around my front room. Missy would be jumping around too. Missy was brilliant at pistachio nut football, I would kick them around and she would always catch them and expertly dribble them everywhere. For months I would find pistachio nuts everywhere at home and if anyone ever ate them in her company she would start miaowing loudly at them demanding a game of football. I once heckled John Terry at a Chelsea Champions league semi final and shouted that my cat could dribble better than him.

Over the years as Missy got older she began to calm down but still maintained her diva like ways. Like all cats she had an excellent stink eye. She was a lap cat, not so keen on being picked up but she would sit on my lap for hours and fall asleep. Often there were times I had fallen asleep on the sofa and I would wake up and think I was paralysed because I couldn’t feel my legs – Missy would be stretched out on them fast asleep. She always liked to make an appearance on video calls, usually you would see her big eyes first and then like a typical cat she would show her disdain and show everyone her bum.

The last two years Missy’s health began to go downhill. She was diagnosed with kidney disease, high blood pressure and arthritis. She went blind twice last year and managed to astound the vet’s by recovering her eyesight each time when they didn’t think it was possible. But there comes a point in an animal’s life when their health becomes so bad you have to let them go even though it will break your heart. I had time with her at home and played music for her, told her how much I love her. One of the final songs that I played for her was Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s ‘The Power of Love’. It’s one of my favourite songs and I was in tears as she was on my lap. I already knew what the vet’s diagnosis would be and what the options were. I had been expecting this day and knew we were on borrowed time. Missy was becoming so fragile and yet was still so loving… and demanding! I am so grateful they allowed me to be with her until the very end even with Covid guidelines. As heartbreaking as it is for us, it’s the kindest act of love we can give our fur babies. No animal should suffer and live in pain. She was my little fighter, my ninja kitteh to the very end.

I always say there is nothing in life that prepares you for grief, even if you have loved and lost before. Pets have such a huge and important part in our lives, they are a much loved member of our family. The love we have for our furry companions is all encompassing and so pure. So today my heart has been broken as I had to finally say goodbye to my little Moo Moo, little panther, smushface, my Bubsy. Occasionally known as little gobshite when she used to be naughty but she knew she was much loved.

Missy – you were a wonderful companion for so many years. I was blessed to have you for all that time and be your slave / staff.

I will love you always. ❤️🐾❤️

If you are also going through the loss of your beloved fur baby I came across a site Pet Bereavement which I hope provides you with some support at this difficult time.